I'm BACK and this time it's to stay

I know I've said this before, but much has happened in my life.

First, I am sorry, yet happy, to say: I don't work for the corporate engine anymore!

Second, I graduated from college and decided to run away to another country... for grad school... for the next year ...IN THIS ECONOMY. Yeah, I'm still crazy!

This means that I have a bit more time and more freedom to answer your office queries! Aren't you excited? I am!

This is a letter I received recently:

Dear Receptionist,

I have a major problem. My co worker in the next cubicle is a nice person, but talks way too loudly and way too much and literally has a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Earphones at my job are not an option. I've tried to ask her to keep her voice down but she says she has a hearing issue. Her loud, mostly non work related conversations are really interfering with my ability to get my tasks done. Involving my supervisors has not lead to anything productive. Any ideas on what to do?

-About To Lose My Hearing and My Mind

Dear About,

That cow! I hate that! I need to marinate and get back to you on Saturday!

Hang in there!

Your Office Bitch (The Receptionist)

In the meantime, if YOU have an office etiquette queries, please feel free to send them to: intlcatwoman@gmail.com. I'll post my practical and impractical response as usual!

Hark the Herald Brown Nose Bribe.....

I have been quiet mainly because there have been no noteworthy etiquette letters to answer. You want more entries send me YO letters! ANYWAYS. I did get an interesting question:

Dear OB (sans lube),

I have always been told that it is inappropriate to give your boss a Christmas/Holiday gift, is this true?

Sincerely,
Awkward


Dear Awkward,

It IS true. You are NOT suppose to give your boss anything more than a card with an expression of appreciation during the holidays. This is especially true if you are in an organization that is larger than say 30 people. It is inappropriate to give it and inappropriate for your boss to expect one.

The reasons for this are manifold but in short:

1. it is the Boss that is suppose to be giving the gifts to his or her employees for their hard work on their and the company's behalf, besides they make more money than you.

2. You don't want to look like you are trying to carry favor (brown nose)

3. Back to your boss, it makes for an awkward situation if you have a total jerk for a boss who doesn't give presents - what are you doing paying homage to a dick that could care less?

4. Maybe your co-workers don't have it in their budgets to give extraneous gifts to anyone outside of their immediate family and they maybe the only unable to give to (brown nose) the boss for the holidays.

5. Gift giving is personal and if you and your boss aren't on that level it can lead to a level of uncomfortable hot mess if the gift isn't quite right or worse dead wrong.

However, there are exceptions to this rule. If you work in a small family like environment where it is you and only a few other people, that is a bit different. Those people probably know you on a wholly different level than a "cog-in-the machine" employee, so if you are comfortable giving your boss a gift in such an environment, that's fine.

Also what irks me is the "group" gift where you are forced to give the boss a gift of some sort. You all pool money together, buy a gift and sign a card. You end up looking like a douche if you don't donate and your name isn't on the card. This can make for an awkward employer/employee relationship if you simply can't afford that couple of extra bucks because you've got other obligations. It is one thing to decide to be rude and give the boss a gift from yourself, but it is a whole other level of rudeness to force it upon your co-workers by subtly coercing them into giving a gift to their boss which is inappropriate to give.

We all need our jobs and I understand in this economy you'll do what you have to in order to keep it. But seriously folks, they are your supervisor. They make more money than you, and you work to make them look good. THAT is the gift you give to them almost every week of the year. Let them give you the Christmas gift, OK?



That is all,
OB.


Ready for PART DEUX? I KNEW IT

What should you give you boss.

Ok... DO NOT GIVE THEM YOUR ASS TO KEEP, but rather give them your ass to kiss....

1. Fruitcake that is 20 years or older is a given, natually. Place it in a box full of cedar chips and mothballs to make the gift complete.

2. A hand knitted kitten -faced sweater made out of dog fur

3. Designer Imposter's Gorgio perfume gift certificate

4.Tickets stubs from the 1994 World Series - if you can find them

5. A Mason jar full of bathroom air that night you got food poisoning at the chinese food place.

6. Pepsi Clear

7. Plastic bamboo earrings that have been dipped in gold paint.

So, um, yeah...

I stepped out on y'all for a moment, but "The Bitch" is back and she still has to take it with no lube. Soooooooooooooo(silence)
.
.
.
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No, I am not going to tell you my dirty business, not at all!

What I will talk about is someone else's business, as usual. Now this does not pertain to anyone with whom I work, just some random people I don't know. So, I was walking down the street returning from lunch, and I saw this girl walking with her friend (also a girl). She was walking strangely. She happened to say, "This is the second time I've gotten a Brazilian wax. I swear to f*cking God, it is just as bad as the first." Ouch! Eeew! And Gross! I said quietly to myself, but it got me thinking: I've totally been there.

I work in a fairly large city (Many of you know where because you are my very own friends). I have had a discussion or two about running out to get the toes done and the eyebrows waxed and, yes, even getting a bikini/Brazilian wax done in that allotted hour of the day that they unchain you from your desk. My lady coworkers and I have exchanged information on who can do it the best and the quickest. We plan carefully so that we can go on the least busiest day (Mon, Tues or Wed. -btw). On the other hand, I have also hung out with men. Do you know what they do during their lunch hour? Eat. That's it.

It is a double standard? Possibly. Depends on the man. I certainly know more than a few who wax the chest, back, sack, crack and brow, but always on a weekend. Women are juggling motherhood, career and social obligations, weekends are just as bad as weekdays. Still...

Tell me ladies do you think it wise to put yourself through such torture in the middle of a work day? I mean female maintenance is crucial to many, I won't disagree. Still that unscratchable itch in the middle of the day is simply not worth it when I still have another 4 to 6 hours to go. And Dear Lord PLEASE don't make it a hot and humid day when I get the work done. ((I just shuddered at my desk)).

Anyway, I'm done now.

Love,
YOB

HAPPY NEW YEAR MERRY CHRISTMAS ETC ETC

I have been tardy for the party. To be quite honest with you, I actually split my time between receptioning and school. This past semseter was a KILLER.

What did I do at the Christmas party this year? I know what you want me to say: Grey Goose and Cran, and an executive but, no. The Bitch behaved. She had her big girl panties on and they STAYED on. How many times do I have to tell you I am the Office Bitch not the Office Slut. If you are the resident slut and trying to take yourself out of slutdom there is a very simple way to avoid this: GRAN PANS! That's right wear those granny panties and shame should keep you from doing anything that would be office gossip the next day. If that STILL doesn't stop you, you aren't a slut you'se a ho. That's ok, you be you. We will enjoy passing around pictures of your butt on copy machine.

OB did get a question:

Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,

What do I do when I get cursed out for no good reason by an executive?

Sincerely,
Tongue Lashed.


OUCH! I'll tell you later on this week. Stay tuned.

If you have a question of OB please email it to: yourofficebtch@aol.com

I know, I know, I have fallen down on the job, skirt up...

...but I actually fell. I SWEAR! Besides, no body finds full body spanx attractive even if it is a size small. I stay under the radar here. There is not one executive that I work for that finds me remotely attractive and it shall stay that way. I never glam at work.

Oh yeah, I know I suck! I have stated this time and again. I bet you've been wondering where I've been? Well...I've been around, just really busy. You see The Man is watching my back and, believe it or not, occasionally, life intrudes just when you are about to get into your stride. So, YES, I got your hate mail and, yes, I am here to answer all of your questions about office etiquette, but I can't answer questions if you don't email them to me. So email me or don't complain if you don't see no posts! yourofficebtch@aol.com


Just a quick answer to a one line question I got recently. What do I do when I get bored? Surf the Internets! DUH!

here are a few of my favorite sites:

http://www.fmylife.com/

http://www.dlisted.com/

and when I need some Internet Prozac:

http://icanhascheezburger.com/

those of you who cannot appreciate the genius of LOL cats can suck it.

Thank you and have a nice day!

I have to call for relief (permission) to use the bathroom and sometimes it takes 30mins

http://abovethelaw.com/2009/08/receptionist_wets_herself_sues_law_firm.php

CYA- cover your ass!

I love you guys! awww! I really, really do! I got some nice mail today and it made me happy! can't share it though! Maybe next time.

Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships

I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.

Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.

Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.

So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?

A few things:

1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)

2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.


There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.