I have been tardy for the party. To be quite honest with you, I actually split my time between receptioning and school. This past semseter was a KILLER.
What did I do at the Christmas party this year? I know what you want me to say: Grey Goose and Cran, and an executive but, no. The Bitch behaved. She had her big girl panties on and they STAYED on. How many times do I have to tell you I am the Office Bitch not the Office Slut. If you are the resident slut and trying to take yourself out of slutdom there is a very simple way to avoid this: GRAN PANS! That's right wear those granny panties and shame should keep you from doing anything that would be office gossip the next day. If that STILL doesn't stop you, you aren't a slut you'se a ho. That's ok, you be you. We will enjoy passing around pictures of your butt on copy machine.
OB did get a question:
Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,
What do I do when I get cursed out for no good reason by an executive?
Sincerely,
Tongue Lashed.
OUCH! I'll tell you later on this week. Stay tuned.
If you have a question of OB please email it to: yourofficebtch@aol.com
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
I know, I know, I have fallen down on the job, skirt up...
...but I actually fell. I SWEAR! Besides, no body finds full body spanx attractive even if it is a size small. I stay under the radar here. There is not one executive that I work for that finds me remotely attractive and it shall stay that way. I never glam at work.
Oh yeah, I know I suck! I have stated this time and again. I bet you've been wondering where I've been? Well...I've been around, just really busy. You see The Man is watching my back and, believe it or not, occasionally, life intrudes just when you are about to get into your stride. So, YES, I got your hate mail and, yes, I am here to answer all of your questions about office etiquette, but I can't answer questions if you don't email them to me. So email me or don't complain if you don't see no posts! yourofficebtch@aol.com
Just a quick answer to a one line question I got recently. What do I do when I get bored? Surf the Internets! DUH!
here are a few of my favorite sites:
http://www.fmylife.com/
http://www.dlisted.com/
and when I need some Internet Prozac:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
those of you who cannot appreciate the genius of LOL cats can suck it.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Oh yeah, I know I suck! I have stated this time and again. I bet you've been wondering where I've been? Well...I've been around, just really busy. You see The Man is watching my back and, believe it or not, occasionally, life intrudes just when you are about to get into your stride. So, YES, I got your hate mail and, yes, I am here to answer all of your questions about office etiquette, but I can't answer questions if you don't email them to me. So email me or don't complain if you don't see no posts! yourofficebtch@aol.com
Just a quick answer to a one line question I got recently. What do I do when I get bored? Surf the Internets! DUH!
here are a few of my favorite sites:
http://www.fmylife.com/
http://www.dlisted.com/
and when I need some Internet Prozac:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
those of you who cannot appreciate the genius of LOL cats can suck it.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
CYA- cover your ass!
I love you guys! awww! I really, really do! I got some nice mail today and it made me happy! can't share it though! Maybe next time.
Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships
I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.
Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.
Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.
So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?
A few things:
1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)
2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.
There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.
Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships
I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.
Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.
Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.
So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?
A few things:
1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)
2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.
There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
You have my undivided attention, now
What did you say?
I am sorry I couldn't hear you through your toupee. The bleach blond that you clearly are not has made you look sick. Orange? Really? are you making a career transition from the Wonka Chocolate Factory to an office job? Stop. The. Madness.
Why do men do that? I mean seriously. Your hair is brown, the dead beaver on your head is red. It doesn't match. Take it off. What's wrong with a bald head. Bald heads are in style they are rather sexy. I mean hello? Bruce Willis? Hot! Michael Jordan? Hot! Britney Spears? She has a weave now and doesn't count. She is a girl. Sean Connery? HOT! You, with the dead mink on your head? No, not hot. Get rid of the dead animal on your head and trust me. The girls? They'll come a running!
Oh women, you are NOT excused at all. Not everyone has to be a bleached burned out blond with a bad tan. Brunettes are attractive. Umm, Demi Moore? Megan Fox? Angelina Jolie? Dude they are brunettes and they are pretty. Back away from the peroxide, PLEASE. Allow your hair to be it's natural color and become the mysterious dark brunette. I won't go there with bad wigs and weaves. And, ye, I have liscense to talk.
This receptionist has seen it al land sometimes it hard to ignore. HARD, I tell you. Especially if you are so much better and prettier than that. STOP THE MADNESS. Yes, we do talk about you and so does everyone else. What has been seen cannot be UNSEEN!
You are orange not tan. Subtly is the name of the game. There is nothing wrong with a little glow, but you look like you have been rolling around in georgia red clay. That is NOT a tan, it's a bad day at a mud bath.
Just thought you should know.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I'm Back!
Yes, I have been gone for over a month but even this low level bottom b*tch gets to take a break every once in a while. Anyway! What going on out there? Write to me?
As for me, I want to talk about...co-workers.
I was recently reflecting on good ones.
I was recently thinking about my best friend who we will call Jane. I worked for/with her mother , we will call her Windy. They will hate me for giving them these names.
When Jane and I met we HATED each other each one calling thing the other was a straight up B-I -T-Hey you know what I mean. Then one day her Jane's mom, Windy, arranged for us to go to a local art event. I was surprised because her mother use to threaten to drop kick me out the highest window when ever I f-c--d up. That being the first adult job I ever had I was dropped from the 7 story window alot. Somehow though we forged a friendship and we have been friends for too long for me to say because OB NEVER mentions time, events or her age. Windy became like my mother and Jane my sister. Who knew that a person that I would meet in cold wintry November would be come such a welcome and wonderful part of my life.
Then years later while I was making a major life transition, I started working with my friend Charlotte (again not her real name). She would send kind notes of encouragement reminding me not to give up and always to ask (pray) & work for my dreams or something better. In other words, she taught me to strive for my dreams but never to limit myself to my dreams because something better just might be around the corner. When life got rough because I took on too much she offered sage advice and went to bat for me behind the scenes until I could stand on my own. We are needless to say still friends today.
There is at least one person from every job I have held since early adulthood who has influenced and remained a part of my life. These people have stuck with me through the crazy and crazier. When the man was making me take it, though they couldn't prevent the violation the at least lent me lube (life lessons) that I think over time have paid off I think. And so today I would just like to take the time to say thank you!
Love,
OB
As for me, I want to talk about...co-workers.
I was recently reflecting on good ones.
I was recently thinking about my best friend who we will call Jane. I worked for/with her mother , we will call her Windy. They will hate me for giving them these names.
When Jane and I met we HATED each other each one calling thing the other was a straight up B-I -T-Hey you know what I mean. Then one day her Jane's mom, Windy, arranged for us to go to a local art event. I was surprised because her mother use to threaten to drop kick me out the highest window when ever I f-c--d up. That being the first adult job I ever had I was dropped from the 7 story window alot. Somehow though we forged a friendship and we have been friends for too long for me to say because OB NEVER mentions time, events or her age. Windy became like my mother and Jane my sister. Who knew that a person that I would meet in cold wintry November would be come such a welcome and wonderful part of my life.
Then years later while I was making a major life transition, I started working with my friend Charlotte (again not her real name). She would send kind notes of encouragement reminding me not to give up and always to ask (pray) & work for my dreams or something better. In other words, she taught me to strive for my dreams but never to limit myself to my dreams because something better just might be around the corner. When life got rough because I took on too much she offered sage advice and went to bat for me behind the scenes until I could stand on my own. We are needless to say still friends today.
There is at least one person from every job I have held since early adulthood who has influenced and remained a part of my life. These people have stuck with me through the crazy and crazier. When the man was making me take it, though they couldn't prevent the violation the at least lent me lube (life lessons) that I think over time have paid off I think. And so today I would just like to take the time to say thank you!
Love,
OB
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Your Receptionist
So what, exactly, does a receptionist do? She just answers phones, right? Well, right, kind of. Over the next few entries, I will try and explain. Those current and former receptionists, please feel free to chime in.
Of course you have that stereotypical receptionist who chews gum, rolls he eyes at every question and speaking in the most annoying local accent. The one with the low IQ but large boobs and bleached out hair.
In actuality, the job is a little harder than it appears. It requires patience, a sense of humour, a thick skin, and more than a reasonable amount of cleverness.
First thing you should know is this: You never know what you are going to get when you pick up the phone. As I have mentioned, it always easy for people to pick up that phone and just dial "zero" and we, as receptionists, are suppose to be God and know all the answers, right away and make things happen in an instant. We are suppose to know where Mr. So and so disappeared to even though his office is 10 floors away from yours, did we receive a call from Mr. Smith even though you may handle hundreds of call a day. Honestly, there is no way you are going to remember one call unless you were talking to, oh I don't know, Brad Pitt or the President of the United States.
Here are two of my favorite types callers:
The Nagging Wife
Me: Good Afternoon, Dewie Cheatam & Howe (Fictitious name, OBVIOUSLY)
Nagging Wife (NW): Have you seen my husband?
Me: I am sorry, who is your Husband, ma'am?
NW: With extreme attitude as I am suppose to know): It's Mr. So AND So
Me: No, Ma'am unfortunately we are not on the same floor.
NW: Well can you go find him? It's really important I reach him before leaves.
Me(This is what I really want to say): I am sorry, let me get this straight, you want me to stop answering the phones of a very large business to go running around after your husband putting my job in danger just so you can remind him to bring home some dry cleaning? I don't think so.
But instead, I look for lube, as usual there is none, and I actually say: I'll see what I can do.
I hang up the phone: le sigh.
The Telemarketer:
*I actually like these calls because I can work out some aggression on them.*
Me: Acme Capital LLC (Fake as well. People, please, you soooo aren't finding out where I work)
Telemarketer: Can I have your IT dept?
Me: Do you have a contact name?
Telemarketer: No, I just need your IT dept
Me: Sorry, if you don't have a contact name, I can't help you
Telemarketer: Look, give me your IT dept.
Me (oh yeah, I am enjoying this and you'd better believe my voice is as sweet as sugar): Sorry, give me a contact name and I'll happily transfer you . Otherwise, I am so sorry, I can't help you.
Telemarketer: You are just the receptionist! Who are you not to transfer me?
Me: I'm sorry for your frustration, Sir. Unfortunately, if you cannot give me a name I cannot transfer you.
Telemarketer: Ok, Give me HR, then.
Me: Do you have a contact name?"
Telemarketer: I am going to report you. What is your name?
Me: Jane Doe. First name J-A-N-E Last D-O-E
*you didn't really think I'd give you my real name did you?*
Telemarketer: F*ck you, bitch!
(telemarketer hangs ups)
VICTORY!!!!! I WIN! YOU LOSE!
ME: EPIC WIN! You: FAIL!
And that, my loyal fans, is only part of my day. More tales of exactly what a receptionist does in a few days!
BTW I got a question from someone who may or may not know me personally wanting to know if any of this is related to my current job. Not really, most of what I write about in this blog is about a combination of my whole experience as a receptionist.
Of course you have that stereotypical receptionist who chews gum, rolls he eyes at every question and speaking in the most annoying local accent. The one with the low IQ but large boobs and bleached out hair.
In actuality, the job is a little harder than it appears. It requires patience, a sense of humour, a thick skin, and more than a reasonable amount of cleverness.
First thing you should know is this: You never know what you are going to get when you pick up the phone. As I have mentioned, it always easy for people to pick up that phone and just dial "zero" and we, as receptionists, are suppose to be God and know all the answers, right away and make things happen in an instant. We are suppose to know where Mr. So and so disappeared to even though his office is 10 floors away from yours, did we receive a call from Mr. Smith even though you may handle hundreds of call a day. Honestly, there is no way you are going to remember one call unless you were talking to, oh I don't know, Brad Pitt or the President of the United States.
Here are two of my favorite types callers:
The Nagging Wife
Me: Good Afternoon, Dewie Cheatam & Howe (Fictitious name, OBVIOUSLY)
Nagging Wife (NW): Have you seen my husband?
Me: I am sorry, who is your Husband, ma'am?
NW: With extreme attitude as I am suppose to know): It's Mr. So AND So
Me: No, Ma'am unfortunately we are not on the same floor.
NW: Well can you go find him? It's really important I reach him before leaves.
Me(This is what I really want to say): I am sorry, let me get this straight, you want me to stop answering the phones of a very large business to go running around after your husband putting my job in danger just so you can remind him to bring home some dry cleaning? I don't think so.
But instead, I look for lube, as usual there is none, and I actually say: I'll see what I can do.
I hang up the phone: le sigh.
The Telemarketer:
*I actually like these calls because I can work out some aggression on them.*
Me: Acme Capital LLC (Fake as well. People, please, you soooo aren't finding out where I work)
Telemarketer: Can I have your IT dept?
Me: Do you have a contact name?
Telemarketer: No, I just need your IT dept
Me: Sorry, if you don't have a contact name, I can't help you
Telemarketer: Look, give me your IT dept.
Me (oh yeah, I am enjoying this and you'd better believe my voice is as sweet as sugar): Sorry, give me a contact name and I'll happily transfer you . Otherwise, I am so sorry, I can't help you.
Telemarketer: You are just the receptionist! Who are you not to transfer me?
Me: I'm sorry for your frustration, Sir. Unfortunately, if you cannot give me a name I cannot transfer you.
Telemarketer: Ok, Give me HR, then.
Me: Do you have a contact name?"
Telemarketer: I am going to report you. What is your name?
Me: Jane Doe. First name J-A-N-E Last D-O-E
*you didn't really think I'd give you my real name did you?*
Telemarketer: F*ck you, bitch!
(telemarketer hangs ups)
VICTORY!!!!! I WIN! YOU LOSE!
ME: EPIC WIN! You: FAIL!
And that, my loyal fans, is only part of my day. More tales of exactly what a receptionist does in a few days!
BTW I got a question from someone who may or may not know me personally wanting to know if any of this is related to my current job. Not really, most of what I write about in this blog is about a combination of my whole experience as a receptionist.
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