We All Are Caught In the Middle When It Comes to Office Romance

Dear Bitch,

Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanking you in advance,

Caught in the Middle


Dear D**chebag in the Middle,

Seriously? Dude. Seriously?

The only good thing about this letter is at least you get lube.

Two things I know for sure in life:

1. What is done in the dark usually, not always, but usually comes to the light.

2. You should never, ever, drink with your co-workers if you don't know them very well. EVER.

For those reasons I give you the following answer. Get rid of both of them and give them no present at all. If you must give each of them something as a good bye gift, give them something that represents a private joke just between the two of you. Make it a clean easy break. Give them the usual break up line, "Sweetie you are just too good for me and you deserve someone better." The goodbye gift should be something quirky and subtle. You strike me as a smartass arrogant guy I am sure this is all second nature to you. You don't really like them anyway and you are only in it for the 'Tang.

Do not doubt what I am about to tell you and READ CAREFULLY!

FACT 1: I also hope that you kept your fornicating shennangians outside of the office. If you don't they could go to HR on your ass. This is why you should a: keep your office philandering to one woman at a time if you must have an office affair but this leads me to b: don't shit where you eat. These women have kept every single email, voicemail and text message you have ever sent them. EVERY.SINGLE. ONE. They've kept them for "sentimental value" but the words sentiment and retaliation are easily interchangable.

FACT 2: People, most likely your Secretary, the Receptionist and Office Services, in other words, the biggest gossips in the office know you are "banging" one if not both of them. I also know this, I have yet to meet a woman who inadvertently doesn't do something to out herself in an office affair. The need to piss on the leg of what you own is as prevalent in the female species as it is in the male. I know what you are thinking: I am so careful and everyone else is so stupid they have no idea. No, you are the dumbass everyone knows, they are gossiping about and eventually your two sweethearts will find out about each other. That is the the cold hard math, no way to get around this Buddy! Trust me when I say the rest of the office is stocking up on the popcorn and getting ready for the girl fight in the bathroom and it's gonna be a good one.

Amen


If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com

Manners

Generally we receptionists must put up with all sorts of rude behavior which I fully intend to report, but I have to tell you bodily functions are the unspoken terrors of our desk. 

Please do not do the following:

1. Come to the reception area to fart because you don't want to do it in the conference room. No one asked you to eat the three cheese vegetable omelette before you came into work this morning. I know it was you and it is going to take at least month for my nose hair to grow back. NOT CUTE.

2. Hand me a  document a second  after you have blown your nose. I do not want your germs nor did I appreciate the fact that you left snot on the left hand corner of the paper.

3. When calling please try to keep the belching to a minimum, as it may sound sexy  to you it only serves to make me gag especially when you do it in my ear  over the phone. Nasty, just nasty.

4. Ok, there is at least a two feet wide and sometimes four feet high barrier between you and me. If I can smell your breath from three feet away you need not only to go to a dentist, but see a doctor about the thing that up and died in your stomach.

Ok I am done with my ranting for today.