Pimpin IS easy, actually.

Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,
I missed you and I am so glad you are back.
After a night of drunken tomfoolery on a work night I found myself in the bed of some I knew...well, only causally until ...uh...well, you know what I am saying. Suddenly, it was 6:45am the next morning and I am still in my work clothes from the night before and I didn't have time to go across town for another change of clothes. Well, I went to work in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. It was obvious to everyone that I did not make it home. Nothing is more humiliating then doing the walk of shame through your office.
Anyway, I work hard at doing my job and feel I should be able to play as hard as I like. In the event that it may happen again. What can I do to avoid that dark and shady walk on a Wednesday morning?
And DON'T take forever in answering please.
Pimpstress in Heels!


Dear Miss Pimpstress,

Unfortunately, though very rare I'm sure, the occasional walk-of-shame to work can happen. Other than strongly recommending keeping your partying to Friday and Saturday, like most grown ups, I will provide an answer to your query.

The answer to your question is quite easy. This also a lesson for those who maybe have pulled an all nighter at work and also for ladies who may for girly reasons need to freshen. Regardless if You Are As Easy As Sunday Morning, you should always have the following either in your purse or if your purse is too small, in your desk drawer, this applies to you too, guys:

1: A change of blouse and underwear. (I need to follow this rule myself.)
2. A small bottle of Listerine (works best after a night of alchie), toothpaste, toothbrush, and dental floss - travel size
3. Personal flushable wipes and other lady needs - travel size
4. Deodorant - travel size

5. (optional)If you have a run-of-the-mill suit chances are the only thing people are going to notice is that you wore the same blouse. If you are a fasionista, you may want to simply keep an extra outfit or maybe a fashionable scarf to dress it up and make it different from the night before.

Honestly, no one really cares because luckily in our narcissistic world the only people likely to notice that you are wearing the same outfit from the night before are the people paid to care about you, the receptionist and your secretary. Both of them have handled your phone calls and already know you'se a ho and are talking about you anyway to each other.



You're welcome,

OB


P.S. Yes, I am working on Memorial Day and No, I am not drinking Grey Goose and Cran.





If you have a question for OB please email her at yourofficebtch@aol.com

UGH!

I don't know about the rest of y'all but I HATE this time of year.  The weather is beautiful and being a receptionist naturally I get the best view of it. God D*mn it. This sucks. I want to go outside and answer the phones from the grass of the park that's not far away. 

While most people get to go home early on the Friday before the Memorial Day Holiday, it is rare that the receptionist gets to go with them. Some offices from Memorial Day until Labor day actually let people go home early every friday, but again, we are not included in that population. WE are the last people to shut off the lights at night and we almost keep up the appearance that the man is not a slacker by keeping his receptionist answering the phones as if everyone is still in the office when in actuality they left four hours ago. And so it is only me, alone, answering the phone and saying that everyone is in a meeting. You can hear my voice echo throughout the office. When this happens, and it often does, I have thought to dance around in my undies before the security camera and see what happens when I arrive on Monday.Le sigh.

Yeah, yeah, I'll answer the office slut's letter in  a few days. Right now, I just want some grey goose and cranberry juice after everyone leaves the office at one and I continue on until five. Oh the drunken answers to caller questions and office drunken email would be epic. 

Work Hard Play Harder

Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,

I missed you and I am so glad you are back.

After a night of drunken tomfoolery on a work night I found myself in the bed of some I knew...well, only causally until ...uh...well, you know what I am saying.  Suddenly, it was 6:45am the next morning  and I am still in my work clothes from the night before and I didn't have time to go across town for another change of clothes. Well, I went to work in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. It was obvious to everyone that I did not make it home. Nothing is more humiliating then doing the walk of shame through your office.

Anyway, I work hard at doing my job and feel I should be able to play as hard as I like. In the event that it may happen again. What can I do to avoid that dark and shady walk on a Wednesday morning?

And DON'T take forever in answering please.

Pimpstress in Heels!

Whatev!

Dear OB, 

As we're all aware Secretary's Day is coming up. I have been told by a fellow co-worker that the Managing Partners will take the assistants and staff out to lunch. Now I'd rather get a $50 coupon to a Spa Treatment than have to socialize with my superiors. How do I delicately find out what day this supposed gathering takes place so I can make I take that day off? 

Signed, 

Hoping and Wishing

Dear H &W,

Yeah I know I am posting this a bit late but I am bitter. You see all I got for Secretary's day was a "thank you" from my boss, a letter reminding me of how lucky I am to have a job in this economy and a mug with the companies logo on it (gag). There wasn't even a half stale muffin and cold coffee to call a  free breakfast to munch on, so SHUT YOUR YAP.

(mutters) lunch or a spa certificate- HA!

--And scene

Good Love and Good Luck,

OB

if you'd like to send OB a letter please email it to Yourofficebtch@aol.com

OB sucks and she does it quite well.

Dear Office Bitch,


How do I deal with a coworker from the mail room who doesn't respect my personal space? I know he's been reprimanded for being rude and now it seems he's trying to be overly nice to everyone including me but there's a line and he's crossing it! I don't want to be mean but I've tried joking around and my point is not getting across. He's super creepy... I certainly do not want to see anyone fired but dammit!!

Signed,

Creepy is as creepy does





Creepy is not cool,



Soooo sorry! I totally suck you, guys! I have about 10 fans devoted fans out there and I have totally been neglecting you. I have been entirely busy attempting to have a life that I have not been able to write you a response. I hope during my little vacation that you didn't assault this way ward co-worker, Ms. Upset about working with Creepy.



Yep. we have all been there. That one person we all know in the office. He is as sweet as can be but something about him makes you worried about being stuck in an elevator with him for longer than 30 seconds. This guy doesn't have to be in the mailroom, he could be the creepy partner with the watery beady eyes or that freak of nature giant from duplicating or that Goth girl the million earrings out of every orifice she has (you imagine) that works the overnight, but you are not quite sure what she does during the overnight. These people are socially awkward and sometimes simply don't pick up social queue's that indicate "That's not Kosher". I am sure that I have suffered from it a time or two myself. Or sometimes this person doesn't care is simply doing it for their own amusement. I believe though that you indicated that this person is simply not able to pick up on a social queue or two.



Certain guys never evolved from the Tarzan stage when courting meant beating you over the head with a club and dragging you back to his cave for sexual intercourse and perpetual servitude (i.e. marriage). I happen to know that you are a girl and the perpetrator a guy. I am thinking that this guy does not know how to talk to girls and never left the stage when we were 7 and we knew a boy liked us because he pulled our hair and kicked us in the shin in the playground and then pushed us on the swing. We gleefully played along with this game until the fifth grade boys were taught how to properly flirt by their older brothers and they shared this new skill with the friends and our older sisters and girl cousins told us that 1st , 2nd and 3rd base sometimes had little to do with baseball. This guy, sadly, simply wasn't able to keep up for one reason or another. And now he is an adult. He is an adult in the working world full of beautiful women to whom he does not know how to talk. He may or may not have been in relationships, he may or may not be a virgin. He is certainly very awkward and probably kind of shy around girls and what makes it difficult is that he has a heart of gold. This kind of sucks for you because you like him you think he's a nice guy, and you just can't take it any more, and let's face it as nice as he is he kind of gives you the creeps.


So basically don't play the victim. Give him the "FUCKING CUT IT OUT" face. Make it clear that there is a line and he has crossed it. Give him the cold shoulder and when he asks, tell him that you don't appreciate his actions. You could ask a friend of his to talk to him about it as well, being socially awkward he may feel hurt but his friend telling him to quit it is better than HR, you know? If he's your friend, he'll apologize and never do it again to you or any other woman. He will not understand it any other way and it sucks because it's awkward and it puts your friendship at risk. However you must address it because it will eventually blow up at some inappropriate time and lead you straight to HR. Direct him to read this maybe?


In the mean time enjoy this game and imagine it's him: http://www.blugah.com/game.php?id=48


And so I have spoken,
OB

The heebee geebees

Dear Office Bitch, 

How do I deal with a coworker from the mail room who doesn't respect my personal space? I know he's been reprimanded for being rude and now it seems he's trying to be overly nice to everyone including me but there's a line and he's crossing it! I don't want to be mean but I've tried joking around and my point is not getting across. He's super creepy... I certainly do not want to see anyone fired but dammit!!

 

Signed,

 

Creepy is as creepy does 

Live Your Life!

Dear OB,

Since I am always at my desk late, I get to see some of my colleagues at less than their best due to stess, lack of sleep etc. What's the best way to tell someone that they look really beat and make it seem nice?

Sincerely,

Anon

Dear Anon,

These are people in your office don't really care how they look so long as they make enough money to pay off their 100K+ student loan in 5 years. This is especially true of associates "BigLaw" law firms. They work those poor associates so hard that even if they make partner they will still be dead by the age of 50 of coronary disease from late night chinese food and lack of sunlight, fresh air and exercise. Then these guys marry some trophy wife who expects them to make more than enough to support them, the private schools for their children, botox injections and multiple houses after they have managed to pay off their loans and start making the real money. Ditto for the dumb financial analyst shmucks with the expensive ivy league degrees in the banking and PE fields. And maybe, ...maybe if they are lucky they may get a week off to go to St. Barts, St. Tropez ,the Hamptons, Martha's Vinyeard, or Hilton Head...etc, etc. Wait am I suppose to feel sorry for them? Sheeeeit! And we won't even talk about what women have to go through. There isn't enough time or space.

Even when they get home low level associates, analysts and new executives are still often working. Blackberry now has the office flunkey taking it without lube, welcome to my world. I once had to tell my sibling to "put down and back away from the crackberry." When I attempted to hide it she threatened to have me assassinated.

So what can you tell those co-workers who really need to go home and sleep, to go home and go to sleep? Well, you can use the usual, "Bob (or Jane), you have worked so hard and you are such an asset to the company you deserve to go home and rest." It probably won't work because Bob (or Jane) will suspect that you are trying to steal a deal out from under him (her) so that route won't work. A better way would be to say, "Look, dude, you look like crap and you need a vacation and quite frankly so do I. "The man" has us by the balls. So let's do this: Send our phones to the crackberry and when we don't pick up we'll claim out computers crashed. " This works especially well when Mercury goes into Retrograde because that is when most computers and other technology crashes. Seriously. It does. It is also a good time to go take a vacation because you should never seal a deal during Mercury Retrograde because it'll eventually go bad, so the longer you draw it out the better. This means three times a year you and your colleagues can conspire to get some much need rest plus there is an added benefit. If you are on vacation during retorgrade and the deal that was made during this transit goes bad you can brush off the blame for the SNAFU and when you fix it you will be hailed as a hero. Then you'll get a promotion, make other people your "butt boy" and getting more time for yourself while making other do the grunt work you used to do. In other word's you'll be the man and you use no lube and I shall hate you! Just kidding.

Lastly, vacationing the same time as your colleague he isn't as likely to suspect that you are trying to stab him in the back, at least not blantantly. I saw you sneak your laptop with wireless capabilities into your bag, you will never, ever put down that crack berry. Plus you have IT support on speed dial, don't you? You probably sleep with it beside your pillow at night.

So I am suggesting you get rest because if you know how long your colleagues have been stuck in the office chances you are have been there with them and are not looking so hot yourself. SO GO HOME! And get a life! No job is worth missing out on living your life and what it has to offer you unless you are doing something you love to do. You won't do it though, will you?

K-Y, Anon, K-Y

Go on vacation,

OB

yourofficebtch@aol.com

oh and Mercury goes into Retrograde on May 7th

I leave you with this video because it's true:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrdXIF1UZ-8