i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?
thanks,
holding your poop makes you full of sh*t
Dear FOS,
Yes, I think we have all been the victims of someone else's foul intestines for as long as we have had to use the bathroom in public spaces. I am still traumatized by some of the things I experienced in my high school bathroom. I was lucky, the brown nose I was I got the faculty bathroom key. AH! Paradise, kind of, they had toilet protectors.
Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, okay, office poop offender, and how you can avoid offending others with your natural bodily functions. 1. It is all about timing. You want to avoid the prime pooping time. You can avoid this by eating lunch later in the day. The majority of people take their lunch between 12PM and 1PM, this means come 2pm and 3pm you and your co-worker can play "go fish" in side by side stalls. Or, for you men, you can try out Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" and get your neighbor's opinion. I would recommend that you try eating at 1:45PM to 2PM this means that you can have your "quiet time" around 3:30PM to 4PM AND this gives time for the bathroom to air out from those who came during the bathroom rush hour. The other result is much less bathroom traffic that may disturb you during this very vulnerable time of day. I understand that you may have to take your lunch at the dreaded hours of between 12pm and 1pm. I would advise that buy your lunch and eat it later and during your free hour do some shopping, run some errands, or take a leisurely hour long walk. This does two things, it gets you some daily exercise, and, as a result, 2. cuts down on food transit time making you not so stinky. Then at 1:45 eat lunch at your desk. I would recommend a cold lunch so as not to offend your neighbors.
2. The inevitability of doing doody at work is 100% and so this is what I have done. I bought lysol, clorox wipes, and personal wet wipes for the bathroom, for all to use. The office actually reimbursed me for the cost of the lysol and clorox wipes. This way you can have the maximum amount of hygiene comfort while having your "sit down". Others, following my lead, have added to bathroom comfort by adding scented lotion and antibacterial gel. I don't want to know what guys get up to in their bathrooms.
Also google: "The Rules For Office Poop" for further tried and true methods for that very important time during the day.
Now for the "Y'all gonna make me act a fool, up in here, up in here" and get your ass fired in a spectacular way response:
EAT beans, three cheese omelette with broccoli, jalapenos or hot red peppers, pineapples, prunes, apricots, plenty of red meat, and drink some beer mixed with imported (insert some country with poor sanitation) tap water the night before. The next day at about 11AM eat a sidewalk dirty dog. This will make your innards so incredibly rank that when you use the bathroom the entire office will need to be evacuated, HAZMAT teams will come, and everyone in your office will have to not only be sprayed down, but spend time in an oxygen chamber because of methane gas poisoning. This, is of course, is going to get you fired once they find out you did this on purpose. On the bright side, you will forever be immortalized on the news and as a result also on YouTube as an Ass of Power! However, you will probably be sued for the trauma you have inflicted on your coworkers, sued for the cost of the HAZMAT team clean up, and sued for the clean up cost of a toxic waste dump in the middle of a city. There is a slim possibility that the government may also label your innards as a lethal weapon, thereby making it criminal for you to ever to eat the above mentioned concotionever again and the building in which you inflicted your revenge will probably be condemned.
All this won't matter to you because you will probably be in emergency surgery having three feet of your large intestine and colon removed due to the damage you have inflicted upon your digestive system and you will forever have a colostomy bag. Not only will you be fired but you may never be able to physically work again. TheEnd.
Sincerely,
OB
DISCLAIMER - I am not actually recommending you do the "get your ass fired solution" this is all tongue in cheek advice and, if you do,don't sue me because I told you not to do it, seriously.
If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com
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