...but I actually fell. I SWEAR! Besides, no body finds full body spanx attractive even if it is a size small. I stay under the radar here. There is not one executive that I work for that finds me remotely attractive and it shall stay that way. I never glam at work.
Oh yeah, I know I suck! I have stated this time and again. I bet you've been wondering where I've been? Well...I've been around, just really busy. You see The Man is watching my back and, believe it or not, occasionally, life intrudes just when you are about to get into your stride. So, YES, I got your hate mail and, yes, I am here to answer all of your questions about office etiquette, but I can't answer questions if you don't email them to me. So email me or don't complain if you don't see no posts! yourofficebtch@aol.com
Just a quick answer to a one line question I got recently. What do I do when I get bored? Surf the Internets! DUH!
here are a few of my favorite sites:
http://www.fmylife.com/
http://www.dlisted.com/
and when I need some Internet Prozac:
http://icanhascheezburger.com/
those of you who cannot appreciate the genius of LOL cats can suck it.
Thank you and have a nice day!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
CYA- cover your ass!
I love you guys! awww! I really, really do! I got some nice mail today and it made me happy! can't share it though! Maybe next time.
Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships
I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.
Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.
Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.
So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?
A few things:
1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)
2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.
There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.
Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships
I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.
Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.
Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.
So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?
A few things:
1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)
2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.
There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
You have my undivided attention, now
What did you say?
I am sorry I couldn't hear you through your toupee. The bleach blond that you clearly are not has made you look sick. Orange? Really? are you making a career transition from the Wonka Chocolate Factory to an office job? Stop. The. Madness.
Why do men do that? I mean seriously. Your hair is brown, the dead beaver on your head is red. It doesn't match. Take it off. What's wrong with a bald head. Bald heads are in style they are rather sexy. I mean hello? Bruce Willis? Hot! Michael Jordan? Hot! Britney Spears? She has a weave now and doesn't count. She is a girl. Sean Connery? HOT! You, with the dead mink on your head? No, not hot. Get rid of the dead animal on your head and trust me. The girls? They'll come a running!
Oh women, you are NOT excused at all. Not everyone has to be a bleached burned out blond with a bad tan. Brunettes are attractive. Umm, Demi Moore? Megan Fox? Angelina Jolie? Dude they are brunettes and they are pretty. Back away from the peroxide, PLEASE. Allow your hair to be it's natural color and become the mysterious dark brunette. I won't go there with bad wigs and weaves. And, ye, I have liscense to talk.
This receptionist has seen it al land sometimes it hard to ignore. HARD, I tell you. Especially if you are so much better and prettier than that. STOP THE MADNESS. Yes, we do talk about you and so does everyone else. What has been seen cannot be UNSEEN!
You are orange not tan. Subtly is the name of the game. There is nothing wrong with a little glow, but you look like you have been rolling around in georgia red clay. That is NOT a tan, it's a bad day at a mud bath.
Just thought you should know.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I'm Back!
Yes, I have been gone for over a month but even this low level bottom b*tch gets to take a break every once in a while. Anyway! What going on out there? Write to me?
As for me, I want to talk about...co-workers.
I was recently reflecting on good ones.
I was recently thinking about my best friend who we will call Jane. I worked for/with her mother , we will call her Windy. They will hate me for giving them these names.
When Jane and I met we HATED each other each one calling thing the other was a straight up B-I -T-Hey you know what I mean. Then one day her Jane's mom, Windy, arranged for us to go to a local art event. I was surprised because her mother use to threaten to drop kick me out the highest window when ever I f-c--d up. That being the first adult job I ever had I was dropped from the 7 story window alot. Somehow though we forged a friendship and we have been friends for too long for me to say because OB NEVER mentions time, events or her age. Windy became like my mother and Jane my sister. Who knew that a person that I would meet in cold wintry November would be come such a welcome and wonderful part of my life.
Then years later while I was making a major life transition, I started working with my friend Charlotte (again not her real name). She would send kind notes of encouragement reminding me not to give up and always to ask (pray) & work for my dreams or something better. In other words, she taught me to strive for my dreams but never to limit myself to my dreams because something better just might be around the corner. When life got rough because I took on too much she offered sage advice and went to bat for me behind the scenes until I could stand on my own. We are needless to say still friends today.
There is at least one person from every job I have held since early adulthood who has influenced and remained a part of my life. These people have stuck with me through the crazy and crazier. When the man was making me take it, though they couldn't prevent the violation the at least lent me lube (life lessons) that I think over time have paid off I think. And so today I would just like to take the time to say thank you!
Love,
OB
As for me, I want to talk about...co-workers.
I was recently reflecting on good ones.
I was recently thinking about my best friend who we will call Jane. I worked for/with her mother , we will call her Windy. They will hate me for giving them these names.
When Jane and I met we HATED each other each one calling thing the other was a straight up B-I -T-Hey you know what I mean. Then one day her Jane's mom, Windy, arranged for us to go to a local art event. I was surprised because her mother use to threaten to drop kick me out the highest window when ever I f-c--d up. That being the first adult job I ever had I was dropped from the 7 story window alot. Somehow though we forged a friendship and we have been friends for too long for me to say because OB NEVER mentions time, events or her age. Windy became like my mother and Jane my sister. Who knew that a person that I would meet in cold wintry November would be come such a welcome and wonderful part of my life.
Then years later while I was making a major life transition, I started working with my friend Charlotte (again not her real name). She would send kind notes of encouragement reminding me not to give up and always to ask (pray) & work for my dreams or something better. In other words, she taught me to strive for my dreams but never to limit myself to my dreams because something better just might be around the corner. When life got rough because I took on too much she offered sage advice and went to bat for me behind the scenes until I could stand on my own. We are needless to say still friends today.
There is at least one person from every job I have held since early adulthood who has influenced and remained a part of my life. These people have stuck with me through the crazy and crazier. When the man was making me take it, though they couldn't prevent the violation the at least lent me lube (life lessons) that I think over time have paid off I think. And so today I would just like to take the time to say thank you!
Love,
OB
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Your Receptionist
So what, exactly, does a receptionist do? She just answers phones, right? Well, right, kind of. Over the next few entries, I will try and explain. Those current and former receptionists, please feel free to chime in.
Of course you have that stereotypical receptionist who chews gum, rolls he eyes at every question and speaking in the most annoying local accent. The one with the low IQ but large boobs and bleached out hair.
In actuality, the job is a little harder than it appears. It requires patience, a sense of humour, a thick skin, and more than a reasonable amount of cleverness.
First thing you should know is this: You never know what you are going to get when you pick up the phone. As I have mentioned, it always easy for people to pick up that phone and just dial "zero" and we, as receptionists, are suppose to be God and know all the answers, right away and make things happen in an instant. We are suppose to know where Mr. So and so disappeared to even though his office is 10 floors away from yours, did we receive a call from Mr. Smith even though you may handle hundreds of call a day. Honestly, there is no way you are going to remember one call unless you were talking to, oh I don't know, Brad Pitt or the President of the United States.
Here are two of my favorite types callers:
The Nagging Wife
Me: Good Afternoon, Dewie Cheatam & Howe (Fictitious name, OBVIOUSLY)
Nagging Wife (NW): Have you seen my husband?
Me: I am sorry, who is your Husband, ma'am?
NW: With extreme attitude as I am suppose to know): It's Mr. So AND So
Me: No, Ma'am unfortunately we are not on the same floor.
NW: Well can you go find him? It's really important I reach him before leaves.
Me(This is what I really want to say): I am sorry, let me get this straight, you want me to stop answering the phones of a very large business to go running around after your husband putting my job in danger just so you can remind him to bring home some dry cleaning? I don't think so.
But instead, I look for lube, as usual there is none, and I actually say: I'll see what I can do.
I hang up the phone: le sigh.
The Telemarketer:
*I actually like these calls because I can work out some aggression on them.*
Me: Acme Capital LLC (Fake as well. People, please, you soooo aren't finding out where I work)
Telemarketer: Can I have your IT dept?
Me: Do you have a contact name?
Telemarketer: No, I just need your IT dept
Me: Sorry, if you don't have a contact name, I can't help you
Telemarketer: Look, give me your IT dept.
Me (oh yeah, I am enjoying this and you'd better believe my voice is as sweet as sugar): Sorry, give me a contact name and I'll happily transfer you . Otherwise, I am so sorry, I can't help you.
Telemarketer: You are just the receptionist! Who are you not to transfer me?
Me: I'm sorry for your frustration, Sir. Unfortunately, if you cannot give me a name I cannot transfer you.
Telemarketer: Ok, Give me HR, then.
Me: Do you have a contact name?"
Telemarketer: I am going to report you. What is your name?
Me: Jane Doe. First name J-A-N-E Last D-O-E
*you didn't really think I'd give you my real name did you?*
Telemarketer: F*ck you, bitch!
(telemarketer hangs ups)
VICTORY!!!!! I WIN! YOU LOSE!
ME: EPIC WIN! You: FAIL!
And that, my loyal fans, is only part of my day. More tales of exactly what a receptionist does in a few days!
BTW I got a question from someone who may or may not know me personally wanting to know if any of this is related to my current job. Not really, most of what I write about in this blog is about a combination of my whole experience as a receptionist.
Of course you have that stereotypical receptionist who chews gum, rolls he eyes at every question and speaking in the most annoying local accent. The one with the low IQ but large boobs and bleached out hair.
In actuality, the job is a little harder than it appears. It requires patience, a sense of humour, a thick skin, and more than a reasonable amount of cleverness.
First thing you should know is this: You never know what you are going to get when you pick up the phone. As I have mentioned, it always easy for people to pick up that phone and just dial "zero" and we, as receptionists, are suppose to be God and know all the answers, right away and make things happen in an instant. We are suppose to know where Mr. So and so disappeared to even though his office is 10 floors away from yours, did we receive a call from Mr. Smith even though you may handle hundreds of call a day. Honestly, there is no way you are going to remember one call unless you were talking to, oh I don't know, Brad Pitt or the President of the United States.
Here are two of my favorite types callers:
The Nagging Wife
Me: Good Afternoon, Dewie Cheatam & Howe (Fictitious name, OBVIOUSLY)
Nagging Wife (NW): Have you seen my husband?
Me: I am sorry, who is your Husband, ma'am?
NW: With extreme attitude as I am suppose to know): It's Mr. So AND So
Me: No, Ma'am unfortunately we are not on the same floor.
NW: Well can you go find him? It's really important I reach him before leaves.
Me(This is what I really want to say): I am sorry, let me get this straight, you want me to stop answering the phones of a very large business to go running around after your husband putting my job in danger just so you can remind him to bring home some dry cleaning? I don't think so.
But instead, I look for lube, as usual there is none, and I actually say: I'll see what I can do.
I hang up the phone: le sigh.
The Telemarketer:
*I actually like these calls because I can work out some aggression on them.*
Me: Acme Capital LLC (Fake as well. People, please, you soooo aren't finding out where I work)
Telemarketer: Can I have your IT dept?
Me: Do you have a contact name?
Telemarketer: No, I just need your IT dept
Me: Sorry, if you don't have a contact name, I can't help you
Telemarketer: Look, give me your IT dept.
Me (oh yeah, I am enjoying this and you'd better believe my voice is as sweet as sugar): Sorry, give me a contact name and I'll happily transfer you . Otherwise, I am so sorry, I can't help you.
Telemarketer: You are just the receptionist! Who are you not to transfer me?
Me: I'm sorry for your frustration, Sir. Unfortunately, if you cannot give me a name I cannot transfer you.
Telemarketer: Ok, Give me HR, then.
Me: Do you have a contact name?"
Telemarketer: I am going to report you. What is your name?
Me: Jane Doe. First name J-A-N-E Last D-O-E
*you didn't really think I'd give you my real name did you?*
Telemarketer: F*ck you, bitch!
(telemarketer hangs ups)
VICTORY!!!!! I WIN! YOU LOSE!
ME: EPIC WIN! You: FAIL!
And that, my loyal fans, is only part of my day. More tales of exactly what a receptionist does in a few days!
BTW I got a question from someone who may or may not know me personally wanting to know if any of this is related to my current job. Not really, most of what I write about in this blog is about a combination of my whole experience as a receptionist.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Ya, Ya I know
I am SUCH a whore. Most of you already know that. I have been selling myself to the Man for the last few weekends and getting OT hours for it. I don't know why I do it. When the Man isn't taking it from behind without lube Uncle Sam is. Apparently, I am a cheap date.
Overtime is like when you hook up with that hot guy you've been dating for a while (the extra money from OT) and the foreplay (the days between when you work the OT and the OT payday) and then you discover that what you thought would be quite large is surprisingly minute (the paycheck and the penis) and in the end gives frustration and little satisfaction because but you take it anyway (the man with the little peen and the paycheck). Payroll taxes like hot guys with small peens make my life full of disappointments. Le sigh.
Tomorrow, I am going to answer a question I received a week ago. The question is: What exactly is a Receptionist? And what does she do besides answer phones and look pretty?"
This question irritates me but it gets asked quite a bit so, I will answer it at length tomorow. Short answer: It depends, but she does do lots o'work.
Overtime is like when you hook up with that hot guy you've been dating for a while (the extra money from OT) and the foreplay (the days between when you work the OT and the OT payday) and then you discover that what you thought would be quite large is surprisingly minute (the paycheck and the penis) and in the end gives frustration and little satisfaction because but you take it anyway (the man with the little peen and the paycheck). Payroll taxes like hot guys with small peens make my life full of disappointments. Le sigh.
Tomorrow, I am going to answer a question I received a week ago. The question is: What exactly is a Receptionist? And what does she do besides answer phones and look pretty?"
This question irritates me but it gets asked quite a bit so, I will answer it at length tomorow. Short answer: It depends, but she does do lots o'work.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Pimpin IS easy, actually.
Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,
I missed you and I am so glad you are back.
After a night of drunken tomfoolery on a work night I found myself in the bed of some I knew...well, only causally until ...uh...well, you know what I am saying. Suddenly, it was 6:45am the next morning and I am still in my work clothes from the night before and I didn't have time to go across town for another change of clothes. Well, I went to work in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. It was obvious to everyone that I did not make it home. Nothing is more humiliating then doing the walk of shame through your office.
Anyway, I work hard at doing my job and feel I should be able to play as hard as I like. In the event that it may happen again. What can I do to avoid that dark and shady walk on a Wednesday morning?
And DON'T take forever in answering please.
Pimpstress in Heels!
Dear Miss Pimpstress,
Unfortunately, though very rare I'm sure, the occasional walk-of-shame to work can happen. Other than strongly recommending keeping your partying to Friday and Saturday, like most grown ups, I will provide an answer to your query.
The answer to your question is quite easy. This also a lesson for those who maybe have pulled an all nighter at work and also for ladies who may for girly reasons need to freshen. Regardless if You Are As Easy As Sunday Morning, you should always have the following either in your purse or if your purse is too small, in your desk drawer, this applies to you too, guys:
1: A change of blouse and underwear. (I need to follow this rule myself.)
2. A small bottle of Listerine (works best after a night of alchie), toothpaste, toothbrush, and dental floss - travel size
3. Personal flushable wipes and other lady needs - travel size
4. Deodorant - travel size
5. (optional)If you have a run-of-the-mill suit chances are the only thing people are going to notice is that you wore the same blouse. If you are a fasionista, you may want to simply keep an extra outfit or maybe a fashionable scarf to dress it up and make it different from the night before.
Honestly, no one really cares because luckily in our narcissistic world the only people likely to notice that you are wearing the same outfit from the night before are the people paid to care about you, the receptionist and your secretary. Both of them have handled your phone calls and already know you'se a ho and are talking about you anyway to each other.
You're welcome,
OB
P.S. Yes, I am working on Memorial Day and No, I am not drinking Grey Goose and Cran.
If you have a question for OB please email her at yourofficebtch@aol.com
I missed you and I am so glad you are back.
After a night of drunken tomfoolery on a work night I found myself in the bed of some I knew...well, only causally until ...uh...well, you know what I am saying. Suddenly, it was 6:45am the next morning and I am still in my work clothes from the night before and I didn't have time to go across town for another change of clothes. Well, I went to work in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. It was obvious to everyone that I did not make it home. Nothing is more humiliating then doing the walk of shame through your office.
Anyway, I work hard at doing my job and feel I should be able to play as hard as I like. In the event that it may happen again. What can I do to avoid that dark and shady walk on a Wednesday morning?
And DON'T take forever in answering please.
Pimpstress in Heels!
Dear Miss Pimpstress,
Unfortunately, though very rare I'm sure, the occasional walk-of-shame to work can happen. Other than strongly recommending keeping your partying to Friday and Saturday, like most grown ups, I will provide an answer to your query.
The answer to your question is quite easy. This also a lesson for those who maybe have pulled an all nighter at work and also for ladies who may for girly reasons need to freshen. Regardless if You Are As Easy As Sunday Morning, you should always have the following either in your purse or if your purse is too small, in your desk drawer, this applies to you too, guys:
1: A change of blouse and underwear. (I need to follow this rule myself.)
2. A small bottle of Listerine (works best after a night of alchie), toothpaste, toothbrush, and dental floss - travel size
3. Personal flushable wipes and other lady needs - travel size
4. Deodorant - travel size
5. (optional)If you have a run-of-the-mill suit chances are the only thing people are going to notice is that you wore the same blouse. If you are a fasionista, you may want to simply keep an extra outfit or maybe a fashionable scarf to dress it up and make it different from the night before.
Honestly, no one really cares because luckily in our narcissistic world the only people likely to notice that you are wearing the same outfit from the night before are the people paid to care about you, the receptionist and your secretary. Both of them have handled your phone calls and already know you'se a ho and are talking about you anyway to each other.
You're welcome,
OB
P.S. Yes, I am working on Memorial Day and No, I am not drinking Grey Goose and Cran.
If you have a question for OB please email her at yourofficebtch@aol.com
Thursday, May 21, 2009
UGH!
I don't know about the rest of y'all but I HATE this time of year. The weather is beautiful and being a receptionist naturally I get the best view of it. God D*mn it. This sucks. I want to go outside and answer the phones from the grass of the park that's not far away.
While most people get to go home early on the Friday before the Memorial Day Holiday, it is rare that the receptionist gets to go with them. Some offices from Memorial Day until Labor day actually let people go home early every friday, but again, we are not included in that population. WE are the last people to shut off the lights at night and we almost keep up the appearance that the man is not a slacker by keeping his receptionist answering the phones as if everyone is still in the office when in actuality they left four hours ago. And so it is only me, alone, answering the phone and saying that everyone is in a meeting. You can hear my voice echo throughout the office. When this happens, and it often does, I have thought to dance around in my undies before the security camera and see what happens when I arrive on Monday.Le sigh.
Yeah, yeah, I'll answer the office slut's letter in a few days. Right now, I just want some grey goose and cranberry juice after everyone leaves the office at one and I continue on until five. Oh the drunken answers to caller questions and office drunken email would be epic.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Work Hard Play Harder
Dear Office Bitch sans Lube,
I missed you and I am so glad you are back.
After a night of drunken tomfoolery on a work night I found myself in the bed of some I knew...well, only causally until ...uh...well, you know what I am saying. Suddenly, it was 6:45am the next morning and I am still in my work clothes from the night before and I didn't have time to go across town for another change of clothes. Well, I went to work in the same clothes I'd worn the day before. It was obvious to everyone that I did not make it home. Nothing is more humiliating then doing the walk of shame through your office.
Anyway, I work hard at doing my job and feel I should be able to play as hard as I like. In the event that it may happen again. What can I do to avoid that dark and shady walk on a Wednesday morning?
And DON'T take forever in answering please.
Pimpstress in Heels!
Whatev!
Dear OB,
As we're all aware Secretary's Day is coming up. I have been told by a fellow co-worker that the Managing Partners will take the assistants and staff out to lunch. Now I'd rather get a $50 coupon to a Spa Treatment than have to socialize with my superiors. How do I delicately find out what day this supposed gathering takes place so I can make I take that day off?
Signed,
Hoping and Wishing
As we're all aware Secretary's Day is coming up. I have been told by a fellow co-worker that the Managing Partners will take the assistants and staff out to lunch. Now I'd rather get a $50 coupon to a Spa Treatment than have to socialize with my superiors. How do I delicately find out what day this supposed gathering takes place so I can make I take that day off?
Signed,
Hoping and Wishing
Dear H &W,
Yeah I know I am posting this a bit late but I am bitter. You see all I got for Secretary's day was a "thank you" from my boss, a letter reminding me of how lucky I am to have a job in this economy and a mug with the companies logo on it (gag). There wasn't even a half stale muffin and cold coffee to call a free breakfast to munch on, so SHUT YOUR YAP.
(mutters) lunch or a spa certificate- HA!
--And scene
Good Love and Good Luck,
OB
if you'd like to send OB a letter please email it to Yourofficebtch@aol.com
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
OB sucks and she does it quite well.
Dear Office Bitch,
How do I deal with a coworker from the mail room who doesn't respect my personal space? I know he's been reprimanded for being rude and now it seems he's trying to be overly nice to everyone including me but there's a line and he's crossing it! I don't want to be mean but I've tried joking around and my point is not getting across. He's super creepy... I certainly do not want to see anyone fired but dammit!!
Signed,
Creepy is as creepy does
Creepy is not cool,
Soooo sorry! I totally suck you, guys! I have about 10 fans devoted fans out there and I have totally been neglecting you. I have been entirely busy attempting to have a life that I have not been able to write you a response. I hope during my little vacation that you didn't assault this way ward co-worker, Ms. Upset about working with Creepy.
Yep. we have all been there. That one person we all know in the office. He is as sweet as can be but something about him makes you worried about being stuck in an elevator with him for longer than 30 seconds. This guy doesn't have to be in the mailroom, he could be the creepy partner with the watery beady eyes or that freak of nature giant from duplicating or that Goth girl the million earrings out of every orifice she has (you imagine) that works the overnight, but you are not quite sure what she does during the overnight. These people are socially awkward and sometimes simply don't pick up social queue's that indicate "That's not Kosher". I am sure that I have suffered from it a time or two myself. Or sometimes this person doesn't care is simply doing it for their own amusement. I believe though that you indicated that this person is simply not able to pick up on a social queue or two.
Certain guys never evolved from the Tarzan stage when courting meant beating you over the head with a club and dragging you back to his cave for sexual intercourse and perpetual servitude (i.e. marriage). I happen to know that you are a girl and the perpetrator a guy. I am thinking that this guy does not know how to talk to girls and never left the stage when we were 7 and we knew a boy liked us because he pulled our hair and kicked us in the shin in the playground and then pushed us on the swing. We gleefully played along with this game until the fifth grade boys were taught how to properly flirt by their older brothers and they shared this new skill with the friends and our older sisters and girl cousins told us that 1st , 2nd and 3rd base sometimes had little to do with baseball. This guy, sadly, simply wasn't able to keep up for one reason or another. And now he is an adult. He is an adult in the working world full of beautiful women to whom he does not know how to talk. He may or may not have been in relationships, he may or may not be a virgin. He is certainly very awkward and probably kind of shy around girls and what makes it difficult is that he has a heart of gold. This kind of sucks for you because you like him you think he's a nice guy, and you just can't take it any more, and let's face it as nice as he is he kind of gives you the creeps.
So basically don't play the victim. Give him the "FUCKING CUT IT OUT" face. Make it clear that there is a line and he has crossed it. Give him the cold shoulder and when he asks, tell him that you don't appreciate his actions. You could ask a friend of his to talk to him about it as well, being socially awkward he may feel hurt but his friend telling him to quit it is better than HR, you know? If he's your friend, he'll apologize and never do it again to you or any other woman. He will not understand it any other way and it sucks because it's awkward and it puts your friendship at risk. However you must address it because it will eventually blow up at some inappropriate time and lead you straight to HR. Direct him to read this maybe?
In the mean time enjoy this game and imagine it's him: http://www.blugah.com/game.php?id=48
And so I have spoken,
OB
How do I deal with a coworker from the mail room who doesn't respect my personal space? I know he's been reprimanded for being rude and now it seems he's trying to be overly nice to everyone including me but there's a line and he's crossing it! I don't want to be mean but I've tried joking around and my point is not getting across. He's super creepy... I certainly do not want to see anyone fired but dammit!!
Signed,
Creepy is as creepy does
Creepy is not cool,
Soooo sorry! I totally suck you, guys! I have about 10 fans devoted fans out there and I have totally been neglecting you. I have been entirely busy attempting to have a life that I have not been able to write you a response. I hope during my little vacation that you didn't assault this way ward co-worker, Ms. Upset about working with Creepy.
Yep. we have all been there. That one person we all know in the office. He is as sweet as can be but something about him makes you worried about being stuck in an elevator with him for longer than 30 seconds. This guy doesn't have to be in the mailroom, he could be the creepy partner with the watery beady eyes or that freak of nature giant from duplicating or that Goth girl the million earrings out of every orifice she has (you imagine) that works the overnight, but you are not quite sure what she does during the overnight. These people are socially awkward and sometimes simply don't pick up social queue's that indicate "That's not Kosher". I am sure that I have suffered from it a time or two myself. Or sometimes this person doesn't care is simply doing it for their own amusement. I believe though that you indicated that this person is simply not able to pick up on a social queue or two.
Certain guys never evolved from the Tarzan stage when courting meant beating you over the head with a club and dragging you back to his cave for sexual intercourse and perpetual servitude (i.e. marriage). I happen to know that you are a girl and the perpetrator a guy. I am thinking that this guy does not know how to talk to girls and never left the stage when we were 7 and we knew a boy liked us because he pulled our hair and kicked us in the shin in the playground and then pushed us on the swing. We gleefully played along with this game until the fifth grade boys were taught how to properly flirt by their older brothers and they shared this new skill with the friends and our older sisters and girl cousins told us that 1st , 2nd and 3rd base sometimes had little to do with baseball. This guy, sadly, simply wasn't able to keep up for one reason or another. And now he is an adult. He is an adult in the working world full of beautiful women to whom he does not know how to talk. He may or may not have been in relationships, he may or may not be a virgin. He is certainly very awkward and probably kind of shy around girls and what makes it difficult is that he has a heart of gold. This kind of sucks for you because you like him you think he's a nice guy, and you just can't take it any more, and let's face it as nice as he is he kind of gives you the creeps.
So basically don't play the victim. Give him the "FUCKING CUT IT OUT" face. Make it clear that there is a line and he has crossed it. Give him the cold shoulder and when he asks, tell him that you don't appreciate his actions. You could ask a friend of his to talk to him about it as well, being socially awkward he may feel hurt but his friend telling him to quit it is better than HR, you know? If he's your friend, he'll apologize and never do it again to you or any other woman. He will not understand it any other way and it sucks because it's awkward and it puts your friendship at risk. However you must address it because it will eventually blow up at some inappropriate time and lead you straight to HR. Direct him to read this maybe?
In the mean time enjoy this game and imagine it's him: http://www.blugah.com/game.php?id=48
And so I have spoken,
OB
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
The heebee geebees
Dear Office Bitch,
How do I deal with a coworker from the mail room who doesn't respect my personal space? I know he's been reprimanded for being rude and now it seems he's trying to be overly nice to everyone including me but there's a line and he's crossing it! I don't want to be mean but I've tried joking around and my point is not getting across. He's super creepy... I certainly do not want to see anyone fired but dammit!!
Signed,
Creepy is as creepy does
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Live Your Life!
Dear OB,
Since I am always at my desk late, I get to see some of my colleagues at less than their best due to stess, lack of sleep etc. What's the best way to tell someone that they look really beat and make it seem nice?
Sincerely,
Anon
Dear Anon,
These are people in your office don't really care how they look so long as they make enough money to pay off their 100K+ student loan in 5 years. This is especially true of associates "BigLaw" law firms. They work those poor associates so hard that even if they make partner they will still be dead by the age of 50 of coronary disease from late night chinese food and lack of sunlight, fresh air and exercise. Then these guys marry some trophy wife who expects them to make more than enough to support them, the private schools for their children, botox injections and multiple houses after they have managed to pay off their loans and start making the real money. Ditto for the dumb financial analyst shmucks with the expensive ivy league degrees in the banking and PE fields. And maybe, ...maybe if they are lucky they may get a week off to go to St. Barts, St. Tropez ,the Hamptons, Martha's Vinyeard, or Hilton Head...etc, etc. Wait am I suppose to feel sorry for them? Sheeeeit! And we won't even talk about what women have to go through. There isn't enough time or space.
Even when they get home low level associates, analysts and new executives are still often working. Blackberry now has the office flunkey taking it without lube, welcome to my world. I once had to tell my sibling to "put down and back away from the crackberry." When I attempted to hide it she threatened to have me assassinated.
So what can you tell those co-workers who really need to go home and sleep, to go home and go to sleep? Well, you can use the usual, "Bob (or Jane), you have worked so hard and you are such an asset to the company you deserve to go home and rest." It probably won't work because Bob (or Jane) will suspect that you are trying to steal a deal out from under him (her) so that route won't work. A better way would be to say, "Look, dude, you look like crap and you need a vacation and quite frankly so do I. "The man" has us by the balls. So let's do this: Send our phones to the crackberry and when we don't pick up we'll claim out computers crashed. " This works especially well when Mercury goes into Retrograde because that is when most computers and other technology crashes. Seriously. It does. It is also a good time to go take a vacation because you should never seal a deal during Mercury Retrograde because it'll eventually go bad, so the longer you draw it out the better. This means three times a year you and your colleagues can conspire to get some much need rest plus there is an added benefit. If you are on vacation during retorgrade and the deal that was made during this transit goes bad you can brush off the blame for the SNAFU and when you fix it you will be hailed as a hero. Then you'll get a promotion, make other people your "butt boy" and getting more time for yourself while making other do the grunt work you used to do. In other word's you'll be the man and you use no lube and I shall hate you! Just kidding.
Lastly, vacationing the same time as your colleague he isn't as likely to suspect that you are trying to stab him in the back, at least not blantantly. I saw you sneak your laptop with wireless capabilities into your bag, you will never, ever put down that crack berry. Plus you have IT support on speed dial, don't you? You probably sleep with it beside your pillow at night.
So I am suggesting you get rest because if you know how long your colleagues have been stuck in the office chances you are have been there with them and are not looking so hot yourself. SO GO HOME! And get a life! No job is worth missing out on living your life and what it has to offer you unless you are doing something you love to do. You won't do it though, will you?
K-Y, Anon, K-Y
Go on vacation,
OB
oh and Mercury goes into Retrograde on May 7th
I leave you with this video because it's true:
Friday, April 3, 2009
Letter to Chill
Dear OB,
Since I am always at my desk late, I get to see some of my colleagues at less than their best due to stess, lack of sleep etc. What's the best way to tell someone that they look really beat and make it seem nice?
Sincerely,
Anon.
Since I am always at my desk late, I get to see some of my colleagues at less than their best due to stess, lack of sleep etc. What's the best way to tell someone that they look really beat and make it seem nice?
Sincerely,
Anon.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
We All Are Caught In the Middle When It Comes to Office Romance
Dear Bitch,
Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanking you in advance,
Caught in the Middle
Dear D**chebag in the Middle,
Seriously? Dude. Seriously?
The only good thing about this letter is at least you get lube.
Two things I know for sure in life:
1. What is done in the dark usually, not always, but usually comes to the light.
2. You should never, ever, drink with your co-workers if you don't know them very well. EVER.
For those reasons I give you the following answer. Get rid of both of them and give them no present at all. If you must give each of them something as a good bye gift, give them something that represents a private joke just between the two of you. Make it a clean easy break. Give them the usual break up line, "Sweetie you are just too good for me and you deserve someone better." The goodbye gift should be something quirky and subtle. You strike me as a smartass arrogant guy I am sure this is all second nature to you. You don't really like them anyway and you are only in it for the 'Tang.
Do not doubt what I am about to tell you and READ CAREFULLY!
FACT 1: I also hope that you kept your fornicating shennangians outside of the office. If you don't they could go to HR on your ass. This is why you should a: keep your office philandering to one woman at a time if you must have an office affair but this leads me to b: don't shit where you eat. These women have kept every single email, voicemail and text message you have ever sent them. EVERY.SINGLE. ONE. They've kept them for "sentimental value" but the words sentiment and retaliation are easily interchangable.
FACT 2: People, most likely your Secretary, the Receptionist and Office Services, in other words, the biggest gossips in the office know you are "banging" one if not both of them. I also know this, I have yet to meet a woman who inadvertently doesn't do something to out herself in an office affair. The need to piss on the leg of what you own is as prevalent in the female species as it is in the male. I know what you are thinking: I am so careful and everyone else is so stupid they have no idea. No, you are the dumbass everyone knows, they are gossiping about and eventually your two sweethearts will find out about each other. That is the the cold hard math, no way to get around this Buddy! Trust me when I say the rest of the office is stocking up on the popcorn and getting ready for the girl fight in the bathroom and it's gonna be a good one.
Amen
If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com
Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanking you in advance,
Caught in the Middle
Dear D**chebag in the Middle,
Seriously? Dude. Seriously?
The only good thing about this letter is at least you get lube.
Two things I know for sure in life:
1. What is done in the dark usually, not always, but usually comes to the light.
2. You should never, ever, drink with your co-workers if you don't know them very well. EVER.
For those reasons I give you the following answer. Get rid of both of them and give them no present at all. If you must give each of them something as a good bye gift, give them something that represents a private joke just between the two of you. Make it a clean easy break. Give them the usual break up line, "Sweetie you are just too good for me and you deserve someone better." The goodbye gift should be something quirky and subtle. You strike me as a smartass arrogant guy I am sure this is all second nature to you. You don't really like them anyway and you are only in it for the 'Tang.
Do not doubt what I am about to tell you and READ CAREFULLY!
FACT 1: I also hope that you kept your fornicating shennangians outside of the office. If you don't they could go to HR on your ass. This is why you should a: keep your office philandering to one woman at a time if you must have an office affair but this leads me to b: don't shit where you eat. These women have kept every single email, voicemail and text message you have ever sent them. EVERY.SINGLE. ONE. They've kept them for "sentimental value" but the words sentiment and retaliation are easily interchangable.
FACT 2: People, most likely your Secretary, the Receptionist and Office Services, in other words, the biggest gossips in the office know you are "banging" one if not both of them. I also know this, I have yet to meet a woman who inadvertently doesn't do something to out herself in an office affair. The need to piss on the leg of what you own is as prevalent in the female species as it is in the male. I know what you are thinking: I am so careful and everyone else is so stupid they have no idea. No, you are the dumbass everyone knows, they are gossiping about and eventually your two sweethearts will find out about each other. That is the the cold hard math, no way to get around this Buddy! Trust me when I say the rest of the office is stocking up on the popcorn and getting ready for the girl fight in the bathroom and it's gonna be a good one.
Amen
If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com
Friday, March 27, 2009
Office Desk Repellant?
If I have two phones, one on each ear, if you walk up to me and start talking to me, I won't hear you. It is physically impossible to hear three people talking at once and to be able to understand you all. It is hard enough when have two, so don't add yourself to the mix.
This is why sometimes I think I should eat garlic and a raw diet. You see, I figure the noxious green cloud will keep you far enough away to make you want to email me which is much easier than annoying me while I am on the phone.
Office Desk Repellation Formula/Device is a business I should create. I know it should be Office Desk Repellent but I don't think it would sell as well. Maybe it should be a perfume. I would use B.O. but some freaks of nature like that smell and, come to think of it, I know way too many that do. True, it's usually the smell of their own, but they like it none the less. I wonder what kind of smells would keep people from your desk without getting you called to to HR and having to talk about "personal hygiene." I once had a boss that smelled like curry. I hated talking to her because even her breath smelled like curry. It wasn't only her breath though, one time she threw her coat across my desk and asked me to have it dry cleaned. I nearly gagged the smell of curry was so strong. Sweating out curry so gross. There is no reason to smell that strongly of curry, none! Oh! Pet hair, some people get skeeved out by pet hair on people. If iIcombine it, the curry smell with perhaps a Yoko Ono CD playing softly it'll be enough, maybe? Then I can sell it on TV for the low, low price of three installments of $19.99. A bargain for hours of only dealing with your boss via email or on the phone and gossiping biddies bothering you when are actually try to be productive.
What I'd really like to do is put up a sign that says: If I have a phone on my ear, and I am talking into the phone on my ear, chances are I am ON THE F*CKING phone, so wait your turn. I see you and will get to you in a minute.
But that is not what Office Bitch does. She sighs and looks for KY. Of course, there is none and she takes it, as usual, without lube.
Hmmmm. I think I'll marinate on it and get back to ya! Office Desk Repellation.
In the mean time, I do not in anyway, shape or form advise you to refrain from using deodorant or wearing the same underpants for five days straight without washing. The first reason is you may use public transportation and the nastiness on a crowded bus or train coming to and from work will only make people hate you with a passion and may make some sick. (on the upside it may get you a seat on the train/bus though that doesn't work in Paris) and 2. The economy is bad, don't give anyone an excuses to fire you unless you win the Powerball or Megamillions grand prize. In that case feel free to invest in my business venture. Subtlety is a virtue people.
Next week: The Answer to Mr. Caught In the Middle (see last entry)
If you have a suggestion, idea or complaint you want to voice about your office, please email, me, Office Bitch, @ yourofficebtch@aol.com
This is why sometimes I think I should eat garlic and a raw diet. You see, I figure the noxious green cloud will keep you far enough away to make you want to email me which is much easier than annoying me while I am on the phone.
Office Desk Repellation Formula/Device is a business I should create. I know it should be Office Desk Repellent but I don't think it would sell as well. Maybe it should be a perfume. I would use B.O. but some freaks of nature like that smell and, come to think of it, I know way too many that do. True, it's usually the smell of their own, but they like it none the less. I wonder what kind of smells would keep people from your desk without getting you called to to HR and having to talk about "personal hygiene." I once had a boss that smelled like curry. I hated talking to her because even her breath smelled like curry. It wasn't only her breath though, one time she threw her coat across my desk and asked me to have it dry cleaned. I nearly gagged the smell of curry was so strong. Sweating out curry so gross. There is no reason to smell that strongly of curry, none! Oh! Pet hair, some people get skeeved out by pet hair on people. If iIcombine it, the curry smell with perhaps a Yoko Ono CD playing softly it'll be enough, maybe? Then I can sell it on TV for the low, low price of three installments of $19.99. A bargain for hours of only dealing with your boss via email or on the phone and gossiping biddies bothering you when are actually try to be productive.
What I'd really like to do is put up a sign that says: If I have a phone on my ear, and I am talking into the phone on my ear, chances are I am ON THE F*CKING phone, so wait your turn. I see you and will get to you in a minute.
But that is not what Office Bitch does. She sighs and looks for KY. Of course, there is none and she takes it, as usual, without lube.
Hmmmm. I think I'll marinate on it and get back to ya! Office Desk Repellation.
In the mean time, I do not in anyway, shape or form advise you to refrain from using deodorant or wearing the same underpants for five days straight without washing. The first reason is you may use public transportation and the nastiness on a crowded bus or train coming to and from work will only make people hate you with a passion and may make some sick. (on the upside it may get you a seat on the train/bus though that doesn't work in Paris) and 2. The economy is bad, don't give anyone an excuses to fire you unless you win the Powerball or Megamillions grand prize. In that case feel free to invest in my business venture. Subtlety is a virtue people.
Next week: The Answer to Mr. Caught In the Middle (see last entry)
If you have a suggestion, idea or complaint you want to voice about your office, please email, me, Office Bitch, @ yourofficebtch@aol.com
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
OB receives Office Love Question?
Dear Bitch,
Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanking you in advance,
Caught in the Middle
If you have a question for OB please email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com
Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanking you in advance,
Caught in the Middle
If you have a question for OB please email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com
An answer to your hot stinking mess.
dearest office beyotch, guru of all things reception-like,
i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?
thanks,
holding your poop makes you full of sh*t
Dear FOS,
i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?
thanks,
holding your poop makes you full of sh*t
Dear FOS,
Yes, I think we have all been the victims of someone else's foul intestines for as long as we have had to use the bathroom in public spaces. I am still traumatized by some of the things I experienced in my high school bathroom. I was lucky, the brown nose I was I got the faculty bathroom key. AH! Paradise, kind of, they had toilet protectors.
Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, okay, office poop offender, and how you can avoid offending others with your natural bodily functions. 1. It is all about timing. You want to avoid the prime pooping time. You can avoid this by eating lunch later in the day. The majority of people take their lunch between 12PM and 1PM, this means come 2pm and 3pm you and your co-worker can play "go fish" in side by side stalls. Or, for you men, you can try out Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" and get your neighbor's opinion. I would recommend that you try eating at 1:45PM to 2PM this means that you can have your "quiet time" around 3:30PM to 4PM AND this gives time for the bathroom to air out from those who came during the bathroom rush hour. The other result is much less bathroom traffic that may disturb you during this very vulnerable time of day. I understand that you may have to take your lunch at the dreaded hours of between 12pm and 1pm. I would advise that buy your lunch and eat it later and during your free hour do some shopping, run some errands, or take a leisurely hour long walk. This does two things, it gets you some daily exercise, and, as a result, 2. cuts down on food transit time making you not so stinky. Then at 1:45 eat lunch at your desk. I would recommend a cold lunch so as not to offend your neighbors.
2. The inevitability of doing doody at work is 100% and so this is what I have done. I bought lysol, clorox wipes, and personal wet wipes for the bathroom, for all to use. The office actually reimbursed me for the cost of the lysol and clorox wipes. This way you can have the maximum amount of hygiene comfort while having your "sit down". Others, following my lead, have added to bathroom comfort by adding scented lotion and antibacterial gel. I don't want to know what guys get up to in their bathrooms.
Also google: "The Rules For Office Poop" for further tried and true methods for that very important time during the day.
Now for the "Y'all gonna make me act a fool, up in here, up in here" and get your ass fired in a spectacular way response:
EAT beans, three cheese omelette with broccoli, jalapenos or hot red peppers, pineapples, prunes, apricots, plenty of red meat, and drink some beer mixed with imported (insert some country with poor sanitation) tap water the night before. The next day at about 11AM eat a sidewalk dirty dog. This will make your innards so incredibly rank that when you use the bathroom the entire office will need to be evacuated, HAZMAT teams will come, and everyone in your office will have to not only be sprayed down, but spend time in an oxygen chamber because of methane gas poisoning. This, is of course, is going to get you fired once they find out you did this on purpose. On the bright side, you will forever be immortalized on the news and as a result also on YouTube as an Ass of Power! However, you will probably be sued for the trauma you have inflicted on your coworkers, sued for the cost of the HAZMAT team clean up, and sued for the clean up cost of a toxic waste dump in the middle of a city. There is a slim possibility that the government may also label your innards as a lethal weapon, thereby making it criminal for you to ever to eat the above mentioned concotionever again and the building in which you inflicted your revenge will probably be condemned.
All this won't matter to you because you will probably be in emergency surgery having three feet of your large intestine and colon removed due to the damage you have inflicted upon your digestive system and you will forever have a colostomy bag. Not only will you be fired but you may never be able to physically work again. TheEnd.
Sincerely,
OB
DISCLAIMER - I am not actually recommending you do the "get your ass fired solution" this is all tongue in cheek advice and, if you do,don't sue me because I told you not to do it, seriously.
If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com
Friday, March 20, 2009
OB gets an office toilet training letter!
dearest office beyotch, guru of all things reception-like,
i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?
thanks,
holding your poop makes you full of sh*t
If YOU have a question for Office Bitch you can email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com
i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?
thanks,
holding your poop makes you full of sh*t
If YOU have a question for Office Bitch you can email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com
An Answer to your Question
Dear Office Bitch,
My co-workers are a gem and hard-working but they always use their children as an excuse to not come in on snow days or to work overtime leaving their co-workers to pick up the slack. Being single and having paid attention in health class I don't have children (condoms). How do I gracefully opt out of being their "butt-boy" because of life decisions I've made?
Sincerely,
The Fruits of Your Womb are not My Problem
Dear Fruit,
My co-workers are a gem and hard-working but they always use their children as an excuse to not come in on snow days or to work overtime leaving their co-workers to pick up the slack. Being single and having paid attention in health class I don't have children (condoms). How do I gracefully opt out of being their "butt-boy" because of life decisions I've made?
Sincerely,
The Fruits of Your Womb are not My Problem
Dear Fruit,
I am going to assume you are not talking about people who have legitimate child care needs, but those who use their children as they did the "dog ate my homework" excuse to not come into work. Yep, been there, done that. Not everyone does this, but it gives parents who do have a real emergencies a bad name. Honestly, in your case, I have to tell you, that you're screwed. As long as you work with people who have children, there nothing you can really do but shut-the-fuck-up and ask them to use KY. These people are the same slackers who used any BS excuse to get out of work before they even had children so I gotta tell you life is tough and unfair so deal.
"Now for the blaze of glory I'm gonna get my ass fired" response:
Hmmm, I had to think about this one for a bit. I would not recommend going out and getting knocked up out of spite, because, well, daycare is expensive! Instead, I would say, "Sorry, I can't cover you. My 30 cats have hairballs and I have to give each one petroleum jelly to help pass them." Then go to your boss and HR with a petition with fake and forged signatures, and insist that you get paid medical leave since your cats in your eyes are your children and therefore are covered by FMLA. This will not only get your ass fired but possibly committed, which actually might get you disability when you are released because you are now considered a certifiable crazy cat person. As a result, you would never have to work with slacker co-workers ever again, but you would forever be a legend in their hearts.
Sincerely,
OB
((Note: My advice is all tongue in cheek and should not be taken literally. So if you get fired and can't collect unemployment or disability, don't come blaming, suing or complaining to me))
If YOU have a question for Office Bitch, you can email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Office Bitch Got a Letter
Dear Office Bitch,
My co-workers are a gem and hard-working but they always use their children as an excuse to not come in on snow days or to work overtime leaving their co-workers to pick up the slack. Being single and having paid attention in health class I don't have children (condoms). How do I gracefully opt out of being their "butt-boy" because of life decisions I've made?
Sincerely,
The Fruits of Your Womb are not My Problem
Get this
I am NOT your maid. When you get your coat out of the closet, close the door. Men are worse at it than women, but when a woman does it and stares you dead in your face she marks herself as a former receptionist. It's great that you are an executive or lawyer or whatever now, but that doesn't mean you can just crap all over the reception area with your disdain. You probably pee all over the toilet seat in the bathroom, and if you don't have a housekeeper I already know what your house looks like. Judging by your actions it seems as if you probably do have someone to clean your house, to close all of your closet doors and probably wipe your butt.
There is one of me, just one. There are 300+ of you, this means that after I meet you once I may not remember your name or even your face after I have run into 299 other people and their visitors a week later. I tried ginkgo baloba, doesn't work. I understand you are a manager/partner/on the 2nd tier of importance in the company but there about thirty or more VIP's including you and how many of me? That's right, Einstein, one. I am glad you are smart, so am I, but you don't even know my name so how do you expect me to remember yours? Now, the hot guy behind you, I met the same day as you, his name is Brad and he went to Harvard. He is on a partner track and still single. He is also a capricorn. He has a thing for brunettes and he has several women calling for him many times a day and he is summering in Martha's Vineyard this year because the Hamptons are so over. So you see I don't have the time or the patience to remember what your name is, got it?
Thursday, March 5, 2009
So What?
So What? What is this blog all about?
Well, in short, it's really about manners. If you want some advice on how to handle the assholes in your office, go ahead, ask me, your office bitch. You get two versions: what to do if you actually want to handle the problem and what to do if you want to leave your company in a humorous blaze of glory (i.e. get fired).
I know we are supposedly the lowest person on the totem pole but we are still the face and voice of your company. We deserve respect, if only because we know ALL of your dirty little secrets. Your mistress doesn't understand why you don't pick up the phone when she needs/loves you so much and likes to pour out all of her anxiety in to the ear of the compassionate patient person listening on the other end of the company line. Next time give her your blackberry number, thanks!
Who Am I?
Duh! Your Office Bitch
I am your anonymous run of the mill receptionist who knows all, sees all, does all because it's just easier for you to press "zero" rather than taking the extra 5 seconds to look it up yourself, but then if you did do that I wouldn't have a job.
I take all your crap without complaint all day long and do it with a smile. I am your office bitch and I take all and without lube.
Where am I located ?
Not telling! I am still a receptionist and I still need my job!
Why am I doing this?
To vent! Can't you tell? And to perhaps have just a little bit of tongue in cheek fun.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Manners
Generally we receptionists must put up with all sorts of rude behavior which I fully intend to report, but I have to tell you bodily functions are the unspoken terrors of our desk.
Please do not do the following:
1. Come to the reception area to fart because you don't want to do it in the conference room. No one asked you to eat the three cheese vegetable omelette before you came into work this morning. I know it was you and it is going to take at least month for my nose hair to grow back. NOT CUTE.
2. Hand me a document a second after you have blown your nose. I do not want your germs nor did I appreciate the fact that you left snot on the left hand corner of the paper.
3. When calling please try to keep the belching to a minimum, as it may sound sexy to you it only serves to make me gag especially when you do it in my ear over the phone. Nasty, just nasty.
4. Ok, there is at least a two feet wide and sometimes four feet high barrier between you and me. If I can smell your breath from three feet away you need not only to go to a dentist, but see a doctor about the thing that up and died in your stomach.
Ok I am done with my ranting for today.
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