We All Are Caught In the Middle When It Comes to Office Romance

Dear Bitch,

Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanking you in advance,

Caught in the Middle


Dear D**chebag in the Middle,

Seriously? Dude. Seriously?

The only good thing about this letter is at least you get lube.

Two things I know for sure in life:

1. What is done in the dark usually, not always, but usually comes to the light.

2. You should never, ever, drink with your co-workers if you don't know them very well. EVER.

For those reasons I give you the following answer. Get rid of both of them and give them no present at all. If you must give each of them something as a good bye gift, give them something that represents a private joke just between the two of you. Make it a clean easy break. Give them the usual break up line, "Sweetie you are just too good for me and you deserve someone better." The goodbye gift should be something quirky and subtle. You strike me as a smartass arrogant guy I am sure this is all second nature to you. You don't really like them anyway and you are only in it for the 'Tang.

Do not doubt what I am about to tell you and READ CAREFULLY!

FACT 1: I also hope that you kept your fornicating shennangians outside of the office. If you don't they could go to HR on your ass. This is why you should a: keep your office philandering to one woman at a time if you must have an office affair but this leads me to b: don't shit where you eat. These women have kept every single email, voicemail and text message you have ever sent them. EVERY.SINGLE. ONE. They've kept them for "sentimental value" but the words sentiment and retaliation are easily interchangable.

FACT 2: People, most likely your Secretary, the Receptionist and Office Services, in other words, the biggest gossips in the office know you are "banging" one if not both of them. I also know this, I have yet to meet a woman who inadvertently doesn't do something to out herself in an office affair. The need to piss on the leg of what you own is as prevalent in the female species as it is in the male. I know what you are thinking: I am so careful and everyone else is so stupid they have no idea. No, you are the dumbass everyone knows, they are gossiping about and eventually your two sweethearts will find out about each other. That is the the cold hard math, no way to get around this Buddy! Trust me when I say the rest of the office is stocking up on the popcorn and getting ready for the girl fight in the bathroom and it's gonna be a good one.

Amen


If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com

Office Desk Repellant?

If I have two phones, one on each ear, if you walk up to me and start talking to me, I won't hear you. It is physically impossible to hear three people talking at once and to be able to understand you all. It is hard enough when have two, so don't add yourself to the mix.

This is why sometimes I think I should eat garlic and a raw diet. You see, I figure the noxious green cloud will keep you far enough away to make you want to email me which is much easier than annoying me while I am on the phone.

Office Desk Repellation Formula/Device is a business I should create. I know it should be Office Desk Repellent but I don't think it would sell as well. Maybe it should be a perfume. I would use B.O. but some freaks of nature like that smell and, come to think of it, I know way too many that do. True, it's usually the smell of their own, but they like it none the less. I wonder what kind of smells would keep people from your desk without getting you called to to HR and having to talk about "personal hygiene." I once had a boss that smelled like curry. I hated talking to her because even her breath smelled like curry. It wasn't only her breath though, one time she threw her coat across my desk and asked me to have it dry cleaned. I nearly gagged the smell of curry was so strong. Sweating out curry so gross. There is no reason to smell that strongly of curry, none! Oh! Pet hair, some people get skeeved out by pet hair on people. If iIcombine it, the curry smell with perhaps a Yoko Ono CD playing softly it'll be enough, maybe? Then I can sell it on TV for the low, low price of three installments of $19.99. A bargain for hours of only dealing with your boss via email or on the phone and gossiping biddies bothering you when are actually try to be productive.

What I'd really like to do is put up a sign that says: If I have a phone on my ear, and I am talking into the phone on my ear, chances are I am ON THE F*CKING phone, so wait your turn. I see you and will get to you in a minute.

But that is not what Office Bitch does. She sighs and looks for KY. Of course, there is none and she takes it, as usual, without lube.

Hmmmm. I think I'll marinate on it and get back to ya! Office Desk Repellation.

In the mean time, I do not in anyway, shape or form advise you to refrain from using deodorant or wearing the same underpants for five days straight without washing. The first reason is you may use public transportation and the nastiness on a crowded bus or train coming to and from work will only make people hate you with a passion and may make some sick. (on the upside it may get you a seat on the train/bus though that doesn't work in Paris) and 2. The economy is bad, don't give anyone an excuses to fire you unless you win the Powerball or Megamillions grand prize. In that case feel free to invest in my business venture. Subtlety is a virtue people.



Next week: The Answer to Mr. Caught In the Middle (see last entry)

If you have a suggestion, idea or complaint you want to voice about your office, please email, me, Office Bitch, @ yourofficebtch@aol.com

OB receives Office Love Question?

Dear Bitch,

Okay, so with Secretaries' Day coming up next month, I have a question on, shall we say, a matter of delicacy. See, there are these two Administrative Assistants that I've been banging, and I'm trying to be discreet (more to the point, I don't want either of them finding out about the other and subsequently ganging up on me). Basically, I'd like to get them each something where they'll perceive their own gift as sweet and special, but will see the other's gift as the sort of bland, generic token that any executive might give any assistant. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanking you in advance,

Caught in the Middle


If you have a question for OB please email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com

An answer to your hot stinking mess.

dearest office beyotch, guru of all things reception-like,

i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?

thanks,

holding your poop makes you full of sh*t

Dear FOS,

Yes, I think we have all been the victims of someone else's foul intestines for as long as we have had to use the bathroom in public spaces. I am still traumatized by some of the things I experienced in my high school bathroom. I was lucky, the brown nose I was I got the faculty bathroom key. AH! Paradise, kind of, they had toilet protectors.

Anyway, what was I saying? Yes, okay, office poop offender, and how you can avoid offending others with your natural bodily functions. 1. It is all about timing. You want to avoid the prime pooping time. You can avoid this by eating lunch later in the day. The majority of people take their lunch between 12PM and 1PM, this means come 2pm and 3pm you and your co-worker can play "go fish" in side by side stalls. Or, for you men, you can try out Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" and get your neighbor's opinion. I would recommend that you try eating at 1:45PM to 2PM this means that you can have your "quiet time" around 3:30PM to 4PM AND this gives time for the bathroom to air out from those who came during the bathroom rush hour. The other result is much less bathroom traffic that may disturb you during this very vulnerable time of day. I understand that you may have to take your lunch at the dreaded hours of between 12pm and 1pm. I would advise that buy your lunch and eat it later and during your free hour do some shopping, run some errands, or take a leisurely hour long walk. This does two things, it gets you some daily exercise, and, as a result, 2. cuts down on food transit time making you not so stinky. Then at 1:45 eat lunch at your desk. I would recommend a cold lunch so as not to offend your neighbors.

2. The inevitability of doing doody at work is 100% and so this is what I have done. I bought lysol, clorox wipes, and personal wet wipes for the bathroom, for all to use. The office actually reimbursed me for the cost of the lysol and clorox wipes. This way you can have the maximum amount of hygiene comfort while having your "sit down". Others, following my lead, have added to bathroom comfort by adding scented lotion and antibacterial gel. I don't want to know what guys get up to in their bathrooms.

Also google: "The Rules For Office Poop" for further tried and true methods for that very important time during the day.

Now for the "Y'all gonna make me act a fool, up in here, up in here" and get your ass fired in a spectacular way response:

EAT beans, three cheese omelette with broccoli, jalapenos or hot red peppers, pineapples, prunes, apricots, plenty of red meat, and drink some beer mixed with imported (insert some country with poor sanitation) tap water the night before. The next day at about 11AM eat a sidewalk dirty dog. This will make your innards so incredibly rank that when you use the bathroom the entire office will need to be evacuated, HAZMAT teams will come, and everyone in your office will have to not only be sprayed down, but spend time in an oxygen chamber because of methane gas poisoning. This, is of course, is going to get you fired once they find out you did this on purpose. On the bright side, you will forever be immortalized on the news and as a result also on YouTube as an Ass of Power! However, you will probably be sued for the trauma you have inflicted on your coworkers, sued for the cost of the HAZMAT team clean up, and sued for the clean up cost of a toxic waste dump in the middle of a city. There is a slim possibility that the government may also label your innards as a lethal weapon, thereby making it criminal for you to ever to eat the above mentioned concotionever again and the building in which you inflicted your revenge will probably be condemned.

All this won't matter to you because you will probably be in emergency surgery having three feet of your large intestine and colon removed due to the damage you have inflicted upon your digestive system and you will forever have a colostomy bag. Not only will you be fired but you may never be able to physically work again. TheEnd.

Sincerely,

OB

DISCLAIMER - I am not actually recommending you do the "get your ass fired solution" this is all tongue in cheek advice and, if you do,don't sue me because I told you not to do it, seriously.

If you have an office etiquette question for Office Bitch, please address your queries to yourofficebtch@aol.com

OB gets an office toilet training letter!

dearest office beyotch, guru of all things reception-like,

i walk into a bathroom and my nostrils are harassed by the innards of someone else who has obviously had a diet of roadkill since he or she was able to gnaw on the poor mammals. not wanting to recreate that scene for anyone else, do you have suggestions on how to deal with the funk and how to avoid sharing?

thanks,

holding your poop makes you full of sh*t




If YOU have a question for Office Bitch you can email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com

An Answer to your Question

Dear Office Bitch,

My co-workers are a gem and hard-working but they always use their children as an excuse to not come in on snow days or to work overtime leaving their co-workers to pick up the slack. Being single and having paid attention in health class I don't have children (condoms). How do I gracefully opt out of being their "butt-boy" because of life decisions I've made?

Sincerely,
The Fruits of Your Womb are not My Problem

Dear Fruit,

I am going to assume you are not talking about people who have legitimate child care needs, but those who use their children as they did the "dog ate my homework" excuse to not come into work. Yep, been there, done that. Not everyone does this, but it gives parents who do have a real emergencies a bad name. Honestly, in your case, I have to tell you, that you're screwed. As long as you work with people who have children, there nothing you can really do but shut-the-fuck-up and ask them to use KY. These people are the same slackers who used any BS excuse to get out of work before they even had children so I gotta tell you life is tough and unfair so deal.

"Now for the blaze of glory I'm gonna get my ass fired" response:

Hmmm, I had to think about this one for a bit. I would not recommend going out and getting knocked up out of spite, because, well, daycare is expensive! Instead, I would say, "Sorry, I can't cover you. My 30 cats have hairballs and I have to give each one petroleum jelly to help pass them." Then go to your boss and HR with a petition with fake and forged signatures, and insist that you get paid medical leave since your cats in your eyes are your children and therefore are covered by FMLA. This will not only get your ass fired but possibly committed, which actually might get you disability when you are released because you are now considered a certifiable crazy cat person. As a result, you would never have to work with slacker co-workers ever again, but you would forever be a legend in their hearts.

Sincerely,

OB

((Note: My advice is all tongue in cheek and should not be taken literally. So if you get fired and can't collect unemployment or disability, don't come blaming, suing or complaining to me))

If YOU have a question for Office Bitch, you can email her at: yourofficebtch@aol.com

Office Bitch Got a Letter

Dear Office Bitch,

My co-workers are a gem and hard-working but they always use their children as an excuse to not come in on snow days or to work overtime leaving their co-workers to pick up the slack. Being single and having paid attention in health class I don't have children (condoms). How do I gracefully opt out of being their "butt-boy" because of life decisions I've made?

Sincerely,

The Fruits of Your Womb are not My Problem

Get this

I am NOT your maid. When you get your coat out of the closet, close the door. Men are worse at it than women, but when a woman does it and stares you dead in your face she marks herself as a former receptionist. It's great that you are an executive or lawyer or whatever now, but that doesn't mean you can just crap all over the reception area with your disdain. You probably pee all over the toilet seat in the bathroom, and if you don't have a housekeeper I already know what your house looks like. Judging by your actions it seems as if you probably do have someone to clean your house, to close all of your closet doors and probably wipe your butt.

There is one of me, just one. There are 300+ of you, this means that after I meet you once I may not remember your name or even your face after I have run into 299 other people and their visitors a week later. I tried ginkgo baloba, doesn't work. I understand you are a manager/partner/on the 2nd tier of importance in the company but there about thirty or more VIP's including you and how many of me? That's right, Einstein, one. I am glad you are smart, so am I, but you don't even know my name so how do you expect me to remember yours? Now, the hot guy behind you, I met the same day as you, his name is Brad and he went to Harvard. He is on a partner track and still single. He is also a capricorn. He has a thing for brunettes and he has several women calling for him many times a day and he is summering in Martha's Vineyard this year because the Hamptons are so over. So you see I don't have the time or the patience to remember what your name is, got it?

So What?

So What? What is this blog all about?

Well, in short, it's really about manners. If you want some advice on how to handle the assholes in your office, go ahead, ask me, your office bitch. You get two versions: what to do if you actually want to handle the problem and what to do if you want to leave your company in a humorous blaze of glory (i.e. get fired).

I know we are supposedly the lowest person on the totem pole but we are still the face and voice of your company. We deserve respect, if only because we know ALL of your dirty little secrets. Your mistress doesn't understand why you don't pick up the phone when she needs/loves you so much and likes to pour out all of her anxiety in to the ear of the compassionate patient person listening on the other end of the company line. Next time give her your blackberry number, thanks!

Who Am I?

Duh! Your Office Bitch

I am your anonymous run of the mill receptionist who knows all, sees all, does all because it's just easier for you to press "zero" rather than taking the extra 5 seconds to look it up yourself, but then if you did do that I wouldn't have a job.

I take all your crap without complaint all day long and do it with a smile. I am your office bitch and I take all and without lube.

Where am I located ?

Not telling! I am still a receptionist and I still need my job!

Why am I doing this?

To vent! Can't you tell? And to perhaps have just a little bit of tongue in cheek fun.

Manners

Generally we receptionists must put up with all sorts of rude behavior which I fully intend to report, but I have to tell you bodily functions are the unspoken terrors of our desk. 

Please do not do the following:

1. Come to the reception area to fart because you don't want to do it in the conference room. No one asked you to eat the three cheese vegetable omelette before you came into work this morning. I know it was you and it is going to take at least month for my nose hair to grow back. NOT CUTE.

2. Hand me a  document a second  after you have blown your nose. I do not want your germs nor did I appreciate the fact that you left snot on the left hand corner of the paper.

3. When calling please try to keep the belching to a minimum, as it may sound sexy  to you it only serves to make me gag especially when you do it in my ear  over the phone. Nasty, just nasty.

4. Ok, there is at least a two feet wide and sometimes four feet high barrier between you and me. If I can smell your breath from three feet away you need not only to go to a dentist, but see a doctor about the thing that up and died in your stomach.

Ok I am done with my ranting for today.