CYA- cover your ass!

I love you guys! awww! I really, really do! I got some nice mail today and it made me happy! can't share it though! Maybe next time.

Today I'd like to discuss: OfficeRelationships

I hate this: You bend ass over backwards for your co-worker, right? But then your co-worker pisses on you and calls it rain. Not cool, says Office Bitch, not cool at all. So what can you do about it? Not much.

Sometimes you get so frustrated you say "f*ckit I'll get a new job where they appreciate me more!" you get there and more of the same.

Other times you shut down. Someone wants you to cover their shift, or take their OT because whatever YOU are doing can't be as important as their need to take off because they need to blow their nose so you coldly give them side eye and say "no." Then review times comes and you are not a "team player." It doesn't matter you can't win.

So what can you do when an attitude can do you in or your co-workers gang up on you?

A few things:

1. Keep an anecdotal record of your "favors" you have granted and what you have received in return. Don't get dirty. I am not talking about sexual favors, my name is Office Bitch not Office Slut and, NO, they are not interchangeable. This works for two reasons (a) in some office review periods you are asked to "toot your own horn" and tell them why you deserve raise and a bonus. If you have a record of your accomplishments you don't have thumb through the Rolodex of your brain to remember every time you went the extra mile (b) this works in case do have problem with a co-worker or someone else in the office. You can say this was the problem, this is how I dealt with it, and this was the response. It may not save your ass, but I have friends who kept a work journal and it came in handy when they were fired and needed unemployment benefits. In this economy, you can't be too careful. (BTW, I hope soon I never have to use the words "in this economy"- RECOVERY PLEASE?)

2. If you get to the stage where you simply don't give a sh*t any more and want to get fired in a blaze of glory here is your option: It's time for a good old fashioned major sporting event streak. I mean seriously. This is what you do. Every year the firm ALWAYS has some major sporting event they take you to for free. Take your clothes off and run butt nekkid across the field. Make sure they get you on the JUMBOTRON. Points are deducted for excess body hair because it could get misconstrued as clothing. Get arrested, make bail and then come to work the next day as if nothing happened. Make an anecdotal record of the reactions of your co-workers.


There again is no lube whether it is from The Man or your co-workers.

You have my undivided attention, now

What did you say?

I am sorry I couldn't hear you through your toupee. The bleach blond that you clearly are not has made you look sick. Orange? Really? are you making a career transition from the Wonka Chocolate Factory to an office job? Stop. The. Madness.

Why do men do that? I mean seriously. Your hair is brown, the dead beaver on your head is red. It doesn't match. Take it off. What's wrong with a bald head. Bald heads are in style they are rather sexy. I mean hello? Bruce Willis? Hot! Michael Jordan? Hot! Britney Spears? She has a weave now and doesn't count. She is a girl. Sean Connery? HOT! You, with the dead mink on your head? No, not hot. Get rid of the dead animal on your head and trust me. The girls? They'll come a running!

Oh women, you are NOT excused at all. Not everyone has to be a bleached burned out blond with a bad tan. Brunettes are attractive. Umm, Demi Moore? Megan Fox? Angelina Jolie? Dude they are brunettes and they are pretty. Back away from the peroxide, PLEASE. Allow your hair to be it's natural color and become the mysterious dark brunette. I won't go there with bad wigs and weaves. And, ye, I have liscense to talk.

This receptionist has seen it al land sometimes it hard to ignore. HARD, I tell you. Especially if you are so much better and prettier than that. STOP THE MADNESS. Yes, we do talk about you and so does everyone else. What has been seen cannot be UNSEEN!

You are orange not tan. Subtly is the name of the game. There is nothing wrong with a little glow, but you look like you have been rolling around in georgia red clay. That is NOT a tan, it's a bad day at a mud bath.

Just thought you should know.